My name is Alethea.
I am 14 years old
I have this delusional thing that my name is the best name in the world, but that's just my subconciousness trying to grasp some part of myself that is not self loathing.
I have almost non existent self esteem. Even though I play 3 instruments (well, lets just leave it at 3) and I am supposedly I am a gymnast (I think I am too fail to be under that title), I'm under the impression I am bad at everything. (Which I am!)
I have a very obsessive nature. I am also quite unpredictable and unreliable and I'm scared of being social.
On of my special talents is yodelling.
That's how weird I am of course.
I like talking using words with more that 3 syllables to make it sound as if I am speaking a language other than English, even though that's the only language I speak. I'm a disgrace to Asians apparently because I cannot speak the language in which my complexion screams out otherwise.
I am obsessed with big words and psychological disorders and paradoxes of all kinds.
I have survived through a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and numerous aftershocks, and been to 7 different schools in my life. (And 5 gym clubs and I don't even want to start counting the teachers.)
I fear I am a pessimist.
Sometimes I am a grammar freak too.
This blog is to help other understand what goes on in my head.
Good luck with that!
Today, was actually a pretty awesome day.
Just a feel good day you know?
I'm gonna stop now before I ruin the moment.
So...today I almost got run over by 4 different cars! Go me! What happened was, I looked for left turning cars, but then I didn't notice a right turning car, which attempted to turn, but because I was there, it couldn't and then this other left turning car tried to turn in but failed, and by the time I made it to the next lane ANOTHER 2 CARS (one turning out left and the other turning out right) were trying to get in BUT OF COURSE I WAS IN THE WAY!!!
Miraculously, I am here unharmed, so someone up there must be looking out for me :)
TAKE HEED LITTLE CHILDREN! LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE ROAD!
I also managed to catch the bus in time so my pathetic jaywalking efforts were not in vain. Anyways, I am most irritated by people listening to my cover(s) when I am around, I mean you are allowed to listen to them, but not while I'm around!!! I don't want to see your reaction! And I cannot listen to my covers myself, I'm unsure if I'm just over critical, but I think that it sounds horrible.
I only upload them because people asked me to hahaha.
(cough BLACKMAIL cough)
Normally, when I listen to music, I'll listen to the same song or songs over and over again. Same goes when I sing or play stuff. I repeat. Over and over.
It gets annoying for the people around me.
Sorry guys :P
There are many people who have drifted in and out of my life that I haven't spoken or maintained ground on since I left whatever situation I left them in. It's so scary Googling these people and stalking their new Facebook profile pictures. Or worse still, not remembering how they looked like because they changed so much (or because there's too many options on Facebook to know which one is them). I wonder if these people remember me. Of course, I wouldn't want some of them to remember me at all. I'd prefer my existence to be erased from their memories so that I would never have to remember that part of my story that was scrawled deep and dark in glued together pages that I wish never to see again.
"Searching up your name, such a shame, I cannot see those days , when we thought we shared the same fates." (WOOHOO! Awesome song writing skills you have come back to me! Just as my voice has fled :/)
Anyways, that's enough depressing stuff for one post. OMG I HAVE LOST MY VOICE!!! NOTHING THIS TERRIBLE HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE!
AND THE ONLY CURE IS TO STOP TALKING! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE FOR ME?!?!
I dread tomorrow. Mondays are the burden of my week. Ew. Social Studies. Oh, actually that could be Thursday, seeing as I have Social Studies and no bum subjects (Monday I get to do fun stuff like P.E. and Interior and Music, BUM SUBJEDCTS ARE AWESOME!) But since Monday is nearer to deal with, I shall settle with Monday being worse off. Coaching tomorrow shall enlighten my day. I feel like singing that old Bangles song "Manic Monday". Anyway, by this Thursday, my horrible MUX exam wil be over, and after Sunday, the display will be over, and after next week, SCHOOL'S OUT!
Normally, I hate holidays, but I can't wait to get back to moping around the house.
Ah...The Life is Awesomo :)
Next year, I'm either going to have to learn to function without sleep or get better time management. I think the latter seems more difficult, but I know tonnes of ultra smart people who do it. My penpal seems to complete whole folders of homework and fit in dance and swimming and diving and gym all in the same day, and she also seems to be up 24/7. She's like a machine! (That's a COMPLIMENT!) Nic's the same, she studies and studies and studies and maintains a healthy physique all with less than 6 hours sleep per night. And she GETS UP SO EARLY! When I stayed at her house, I was always the last one up because I am TERRIBLE at getting up early. I always go through phases where I can get up at the crack of dawn and loiter around the house and then go on with the rest of the day as if I haven't been up an extra 3 hours, and then I revert back to my normal routine of sleeping in until 7.45am and being out at the bus stop at 8.00am.
Guess which phase I'm in now?
Next year, oh gawd, next year I am going to die. There will be exams that ACTUALLY COUNT! And maths that I will have to be on task for (you hear that?! I'm going to have to concentrate! My maths teacher even gave me a lecture on 'staying on task'), music up a level, school production, grade 8 piano to finish and gym (which I am currently failing at) HOW WILL I MANAGE?!?!
Of course, I know it is possible, my penpal does it to a degree a million times to that and Nicole is super insanely genius-like to her intense schoolwork. Me? I'm just a slacker :(
I might have to start giving up things.
And I might actually have to unattach myself from my ukulele (Oh yea, did I mention? I have a ukulele now! And it is red! And awesome! And has a dolphin on it! And I have matching blisters on my hand but it is TOTALLY worth it).
It seems the only solution is to free up some sleep time and use them to do something productive instead. Must be a Singaporean thing. (Except I'm Singaporean, and I can't go without sleep, I LOVE SLEEP itself, but getting there is hard. Maybe I have not embraced my Asianess enough to get my full talents to emerge. Dream on Alethea. Dream on.)
Anyway, lately people have been saying to me 'Do you wanna JI?' or 'Come on! Come on JI with us!' and me being the stupid hobo...well until last Tuesday I didn't even know what 'JI' meant. I'm such a sad person. JI= Join In right?
NOW I KNOW! AND NOW I UNDERSTAND A SENTENCE WHEN JI IS MENTIONED!
And then we had to pack up. The field went from looking like this...
(the kind of scene where you can hear the lone crickets chirp)
Our last activity was sandcastle building, which wasn't really an activity, they just made it up to accommodate an extra class. It was great! We basically had free time on the beach, which was ever so relaxing. Of course, some of us did make sand castles, and here we have dear Coral squatting by our creation, the utterly unoriginal MERMAID!
Coral guarding the mermaid.
Our crazy mermaid with afro asian hair.
Good times. After making our sand castles and other various sand structures, we all ventured into the ocean for one last splash. We were lucky that we didn't have an activity where we actually had to get into the water last, because there wasn't even enough time for the other classes to get changed and eat lunch so it was one or another for them.
PHOTO BOMBED! By the hostels =.=
Coral and Caitlin looking philosophical.
An excellent specimen of a pukeko above ^^^
After sleeping on the ground in the cold and wet (well, we had tents but it was still raining, and our tent fly was damp also from the morning dew) EVERY GODDAMN THING IN YOUR BODY IS STIFF! Although it was mostly my back, from carrying those gigantor kayaks the day before. It was already light at 5.00am (it got dark at 9.00pm) so I got up to use the toilet/portaloo (lying squished up in the tent next to my sleeping tent mates wasn't going to get me anywhere) while no one was there. Shortly after, I had to go wake up some people in other tents across the field (I was an alarm clock!) and as a reward I got food (nom nom nom).
I ate so much food at camp.
Our first activity started at 8.30am, so we needed to have brekky, wash up and change by 8.25am. For breakfast we had pancakes! The cheap kind that you buy in a powdered mix in a bottle and add water to make batter. It actually tasted and smelled pretty good. Unfortunately, we forgot to bring maple syrup. Caitlin had quite intelligently bought jam chocolate and so we improvised and melted the chocolate to make ganache and then WE DIPPED THE PANCAKES IN THE CHOCOLATE!!!
When I went to camp I had two objectives.
1. To lose weight
2. Get tanned
You would be pleased to know I achieved none of these.
(Well actually, I did get sunburnt FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! And a leeetle bit tanned, and I lost 2kgs :P)
Anyways, I had to do the washing up and unfortunately the melted chocolate made it quite messy. It took me 20 minutes under the camp tap. Then I had to go get ready for Beach Education and Surfing! I love surfing! We were a bit late but that's because some people slept in. After numbering off (everyone has a number, and we have to yell them out in chronological order one after another) we headed down to the beach. The sand wasnt so hot since it was nice and fresh in the morning. We still had to carry the surfboards onto the beach, and my stupid short arms did not help in anyway. I had to carry my surfboard on my head like an African woman carrying a jug of water. Skills. We didn't have to get wetsuits but they provided rash tops (And they had cockroaches in them! Ew! Thank God I brought my own rash top.) Our small class of 24 got divided into 2 groups of 12. My group got to do surfing first, yay! I was first up, as in standing up on the board. I think surfing is the only water sport I enjoy. Our waves were very calm, they barely classified as waves, but we had a good time out on the water.
Beach Ed was just as fun. The life guards taking us were extremely enthusiastic to get us sand covered. We played Beach flag (damnit I came second to the very vicious Coral haha ASIANS RULE!) involving lying down on the sand and diving for flags. And relays which involved pencil and forward rolls on the sand, but we got to swim out to sea to get all the sand out of our togs and shorts and hair and everything! The water was so clear!!! And salty, but that was besides the point.
Unfortunately, we were late finishing that activity, so we only had 5 minutes for all of us to get changed, so I ended up with tonnes of sand in my hair and a scruffy looking pair of shorts because I couldn't find any short ones to get tanned :(
Our next activity was GAMES- team bonding of course. We had to find ways to fit people creatively on pieces of carpet, starting at a 50x70cm piece going down to a 25x40cm piece, with 6 people! I think our methods were very creative :) The next part of games involved us diving to 2 groups of 12 again, and then heading to a small section of grass with 30 numbered tags. The objective of the game involved numbering off from 1 to 30, but to number off you had to actually find the number and hold the tags, which were not placed in chronological order.
Our group won :) with a time of 16 seconds.
It was lunch next, we had mac and cheese, accompanied with last night's left over tomatoes and burger patties. It was heaven. We were really good at improvising, just adding in any left over food that was tasty. I cooked so I avoided the dishes hahaha
We had snorkelling after lunch! I was actually kinda freaked because I though creepy fish were going to come and eat me, but thankfully nothing of that sort happened. It was 'preferred' that we wore wetsuits (which basically meant it was compulsory), but it was quite cold in the water so we were grateful.
Not our class, but I snapped some pictures of another class looking funny in their wetsuits and snorkelling gear! Sarah (middle) looks perplexed from the wetsuit aliens!
Amy looking patriotic with an Epsom Girls Grammar School donned there.
Snorkelling was amazing. The water was chock full of sting free jellyfish and jellyfish eggs, but once you got used to them it was fine. I didn't duck dive, but my friends who did were paranoid about the little jellyfish swimming into their snorkels :P
We saw snapper and spottys and crayfish, it was so cool. If it wasn't for my fear of water, I'd be a marine biologist.
After snorkelling, we had mountain biking. 2 courses were available, an actual mountain course and a flat loop along the drive way. All the previous classes had complained that it was ultra hard, and heaps of people had just opted for the easy course but our ENTIRE class was awesome and did the hard course.
Of course, half way up the hill I started to regret my decision. I was only able to ride my bike half way up the hill (I did the last half, the first climb was too steep!) but I was still one of the first ones to make it, everyone else dragged behind puffing and panting while we eager ones had a good rest and breeze at the top. (No pictures sorry :( )
We also had to lift our bikes over several gates because they were all padlocked, and after the 2nd gate, all this fresh cow poo started arriving. The teacher that supervised us, Ms Cleere, was deliberately riding through the cow pats to see how many she could get through. No one wanted to help lift her poo covered bike over the gate!
After the up hill climb, the rest was a breeze. The trail was ultra bumpy from all sorts of dried poo and the sorts, when you rode fast over them you could feel the fat pulsating off your arms (which was good! that's where a whole kg of random fat I had disappeared to!)
The down hill was just as steep as the up hill, and covered in even more dried poo than was imaginable, but it was the best bit of the entire ride. A couple of people took dramatic tumbles, but overall, everyone escaped the dreaded poo covered field unscathed.
So...that was our activities for the day. Our dinner was some sort of packaged pasta, so I opted to go steal food from my friend's tent. Hotdogs! nom nom nom
My dear friend Katherine cannot cook for her life, at lunch I caught her making mac and cheese from a microwavable packet on a camp stove, and SHE COOKED IT FOR 45 MINUTES! Never in her life had she attempeted to cook anything other than in a microwave.
I find that very sad.
After dinner, it was the same story...free time. I tidied up the tent a little in preparation for the next day, and then we had night games! Since it wasn't raining.
We played spotlight, and we had to find a whistle in a bucket, in the dark, without getting 'out' by a teacher shining a torch in your face. Our class didn't win a single round, so we all though it was kinda lame (haha bad sportsWOMANship 10DY!!)
And then it was to bed again.
I like marshmallows.
These pics were taken by my good friends Coral and Debbie :D and NO GODDAMN PHOTO SHOP WAS USED! Gee, you people underestimate me.
I've been at camp, sleeping on the cold pukeko poop covered ground, eating off primitive fires and going showerless somewhere in the northern wilderness. Not out of choice of course I'm not one for camping around for leisure (I blog, don't you know?)...it was a compulsory activity, (gah) the (previously) dreaded Year 10 camp...dun DUN DUN!!!
And after 3 days of no showering, most of us girls went home and shampooed our salt and sand ridden hair 3 or 4 times (me included). But despite the lack of washing facilities at camp, I have to say it was not as bad as I expected it to be. We had 8 classes and 8 activities which we rotated through, consisiting of (in the order my class did our activities)...
2. Ecology Trail
3. Raft Building
4. Beach Education/Surfing
5. (Bonding) Games
7. Mountain Biking
So we got wet and sandy and sore but it was totally worth it! I will now proceed to recount the ENTIRE experience, and so it will be divided into a few parts (hence the 'DAY 1' in the title).
OKay, so camp was scheduled from Monday the 21st to Wednesday the 23rd, and we had to be at school on Monday by 8.15am, BUT because my mommy had work, my awesome buddy Charlotte had to take me to school instead so we got there half an hour early and had to wait around and do nothing but pray that whatever food we had didn't thaw out too quickly. (That was a very long sentence.)
Anyway, my camp packing was terrible, I basically went through the list and then stuffed whatever I could into a couple of bags, and then off I went. I didn't use half the stuff I packed, but I guess it's still better safe then sorry! Me and Charlotte hung around until other people started to arrive, and then at 10 past 8 o'clock tonnes of people started arriving. Here's a pic of my friedns Katherine, note the bags and chaos surrounding her in the background.
She looks a little like a cartoon character here. Like a smurf. Must be the lighting. Or maybe just me! Anyways, while most people turned up at 8.15, the role call and bus loading took ages. In fact, our bus took it's own sweet time getting round to school, we waited a good 20 minutes on the grass, and another 10 to 15 minutes while we loaded everything up. It was so fail. Note the bored and unimpressed expressions of my classmates.
The buses were all colour coded, DESPITE THE FACT THEY ALL WERE THE SAME COLOUR! You can see the bus in the background of the pic above. That bus could be red, yellow, blue or white. It was a fail system, but luckily there were signs on the bus doors to actually remind us where we going. Once we were on the bus (finally) we still had to drive to camp, on an ultra tall bus with one and a half classes worth of girls and all the millions of bags we all carried. Our bus driver actually made a comment "I thought you were camping for a couple of months with all that stuff!" and I must say I have to agree. Here we are on the bus (sorry, my pictures are crap). I love how the scenery changes as we head away from the city.
Finally, as we headed away from civilisation, we encountered this treacherous gravel/dirt/mud road for one car (most likely 4 wheel drives judging from the conditions) whicih the poor bus driver had o manuerver through, it was nerve racking for all of us, the road was so goddamn thin! The turns were so sharp, and the crevasses so deep and murky...
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL
(^to the tune of jingle bells)
That pretty much sums up the bus journey.
Anyway, at the camp site, we had to unpack which was just as retarded as loading. There was so much stuff! I had to go and reserve some land that was actually flat for the tent, so I ended up carrying the tent and my ginormous green bag to the site first, until Coral and Caitlin (my tenting buddies) brought all the stuff over. Our class was allocated surprisingly flat ground, some other classes had hills and one of my friends had trouble when her tent mates rolled onto her in the middle of the night. Luckily, we had no tent troubles or ground troubles, our tent was very homey. (See Coral tidying up as usual).
Once we'd had our lunch, our first activity was KAYAKING!
(Unfortunately I did not get any pictures of this because my camera isn't water proof.)
THEY MADE US CARRY THE MONSTROUSLY HEAVY KAYAKS ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE BEACH ON THE SCORCHING SAND! It was super windy out on the water, not raining though. The water was nice and warm but clear once you got in, but the wind chill whipped sand into our legs later on. They forced us to wear helmets and life jackets (because I would totally get concussion if my head hit the water) and then we were out on the waves. I went with Emilia (twin kayaks) who is really awesome. However, because of the crazy wind, we only did one round/course, and spent the rest of the time playing on the beach, which was fun too :)
Next...after our first encounter in the water we had the 'Eco Trail'.
Basically it was a long and boring walk, but I took heaps of pictures!
The walk was too long, we only made it a third of the way there before turning back so we could be back in time for the next activity. I saw 2 dead birds (including a penguin :( but I didn't take a picture because Coral was hogging my camera), and I tripped over my own feet quite a few times (as usual). But it was boring. Well I found it boring.
We had Raft Building next, (again, no pictures because my camera could not risk being wet) which was ALMOST my favourite activity. We go to sit on the back of a ute (of course, that was the best bit). To win tyres and floatable devices you had to correctly answer quiz questions, and our group's general knowledge is TERRIBLE. We ended up with an unhealthy raft mix of ropes, paddles, tyres and bamboo poles, and a design with COMPLETELY FELL APART when we carried (or attempted to anyway) to the lake. In it's shambles, somehow the raft still floated! And we won the race in the river, even though the other team beat us to disassembling their raft. Emilia ended up bleeding, I lost my jandals, and we were all SOAKED but it was worth it :)
That was activities for the day. Dinner was next up, squatting by a gas stove. Unfortunately, it started raining, which almost halted our cooking, but it was light, misty, Christchurch rain. Perfectly bearable. Anyway, we had burgers, cooked from their pinky raw texture to the yummy warm brown stuff (however they are supposed to look) when they are cooked. Amazingly, I cooked them without giving anybody in my group food poisoning! And on a goddamn camp stove! WOOHOO! My friend thinks I have turned over a new leaf. We had burger patties and homemade cheese bread with lettuce and tomato sauce and plastic flubbery cheese. And no one started vomiting in the middle of the night.
After dinner, we had about 4 or 5 hours of free time (from 5-10 ish). Of course, eating and cooking also meant washing up, and we had a 10kg gas bottle that had to be lugged back and forth to the sign out trailer after every meal. I didn't have to do any of that because I cooked :)
We were also supposed to have night games, but the rain prohibited them from continuing, so we retired straight to bed, or into our friend's tents. Gah, I hate sleeping outside, on the damn ground. It is so hard =.=
TO BE CONTINUED
It is one of my favourite come backs to bitchy people. And I really depise bitchy people, people who laugh and snigger and gossip behind your back at the flaws they put in place to make you feel bad (that could be a good song line) and it just bugs me that although I despise it so much...
I seem to do it increasingly these days myself.
And I am ever so sorry (NO BLIMIN' SARCASM!) for the things I have done and the pain I have caused by my reckless actions, but then again, this post could be in vain (wow another lyric line) and I could just be paranoid. I hope so.
Anyways, to less depressing topics, my obsession with guitar is growing. I have new pretty blisters. I have new guitar obsessed friends. This is the life. AND MY ENGLISH MARKS WERE TOP! WOOHOO! TOP MARKS FOR ALL MY EXAMS! Even though compared to everyone I know in Singapore and elsewhere, my exams are boring and lame. Which they are actually. But oh well. Don't steal my thunder.
Gym today was actually quite cool. I think it is nice to have a break from your coaches, especially if things are going rough. I hope everything works out. I hope. How futile. Hope is such a weak response, hope demonstrates the fail of reliability. But I can do nothing more than hope. Oh well.
I HAVE CAMP NEXT WEEK! ARGH! I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! I CAN'T PREPARE RIGHT/ENOUGH!!!
I think I am growing into my fringe, or my fringe is growing into me. Either way, I am getting much more used to it. I think today I demonstrated compassion. I think today I spontaneously proved my gift of spontaneous-ness and gave a hug out of reflex. WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?! But I feel nice.
Have I ever mentioned one of my gifts is talking? I am now known as The Loud One. I think this is very accurate.
I swear I have the best epiphanies at the end of an exam. I usually have 3 or 4 questions which are left over at the end because (either):
A. I feel too anxious to do before completing the rest of the paper.
B. I have a major mind block.
C. I am too dumb or have not been listening in class enough to understand the question.
In any case, I usually just do everything else and then stare at the remaining questions until I get some sort of epiphany. It works for me :D
The annoying thing is when you get an epiphany after the exam, then you're like ARGH I TOTALLY COULD HAVE ANSWERED THAT QUESTION!
When I was Year 6 I totally had troubles spelling the word 'answer'. I'd spell it like 'anwser'. I was such a retarded child. I have no idea how this is related to the topic.
Anyways...after not posting for a while it seems all the random information I put aside due to exams has flooded out at once. Well maybe not flooded, the flood is more of a trickle...or what I catch with my teeny cup is a trickle, I can never remember enough shit to write here. Not that any of this is shit of course, well actually...
Lets not go there.
My internet activity is so sad. I have no emails in my inbox. I have random blogwalkers in my cbox. I have stalkers on my YouTube channel. What a sad person I am hahaha.
MY NEW OBSESSION IS GUITAR! OMIGOSH! GUITAR IS AWESOME! I picked one up for about the first time ever and learnt to play that cool song 'In Your Arms' by Kina Grannis in half an hour. And now I have blisters on my fingers. Man I'm weak.
Oh, and I got all Es (which is Excellence, which is the highest mark you can get, NZ system is confusing seeing as A is Achieved, which is equivalent to a plain old pass. Weirdness.) for maths and science! But now there is the dreaded English.
On my blog, I tend to dump a ton of depressing stuff when I feel like it and then go back and laugh at the incoherency and ultimate stupidity. I'm hopiung this not so depressing post will cancel out that stuff. Now, you MIGHT ask, WHY THE HECK DONT YOU JUST DELETE IT?! But I like to keep things the way they are when I publish them, to capture the moment you know? Except when there are excessive typos or grammatical mistakes that annoy the hell out of me. That's the only exception.
Anyways, now that I feel all better, it is time to ramble about the past few days happenings.
First of all, today's post is kind of an excuse to make me feel like I am achieving something...because I have this sickening suspicion I am going to FAIL English and even though I have the chance to do a referral, I have only until Friday, so I will enlist the help of one of my great friedns who will sit me down and confine me to my seat where I will hopefully get my work done in one lunchtime. Speaking of English, I say my English teacher at gym today...which was awkward to another level, so Ms. Mahy if you're reading this (which wil be equally awkward) what on Earth were you doing there? I shall interrogate you tomorrow.
I think I look old. According to this kid at my 6 year friend's party (don't ask me why I have a 6 year old friend, he is actually my mother's friend's son, but that is besides the point) I LOOK LIKE A MOM! ARGH! Here I was sitting innocently on the bouncy castle when this kid plonks down beside me and asks "Are you a Mum?"
ARE YOU A MUM FOR GOD'S SAKE!
And then the kid goes on to say "I though you looked 20."
I tell you, all my self esteem and teenage bubblyness/energy left my body at that moment.
And I aged he amount that he had lived (6 years...but you knew that right? 14+6=20).
(But seriously, if I was 20, and I had a 6 year old kid, I would have been raped :O, why the heck do I think of these things?!)
I am also now traumatised from bouncy castles. Apparently adults weren't allowed on it, but techinically, I weigh more or less the same as my mum, and I'm not an adult (unless we're taking that little kid's opinion into consideration), so WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?!
And that damn thing was flat too.
Castle is a hard word to spell.
Totally had a mind block there.
Where does the grief come from? How can we stem this unseen force if the orgin is unclear? I don't understand why I feel, how I feel, this way.
How can you express what you don't know?
"And it is at this point where I am completely lost in a sea of surrealism, that the purpose at hand becomes clear. I deserve to be punished, and beaten, but I can no longer do it myself. I need to be broken by another where it will hurt so much more. I want to be broken, I want someone to hold me, to break me, even though it seems this was what I ran away from. I want to feel. Anything. I would give anything to stop pretending. Life is so sudden and the least of what I am is what I am becoming. A tragedy beholds, a tragedy where realisation shatters dreams. But this monster, this realisation leaves me be, because I have no dreams to shatter, and I have to life to break. Am I here? Am I alive? It is one of those times where you wake up and it feels like you're still dreaming, until you reenter the lethargic state you become at night and it tells you you are again awake. Everything is in shambles and mixed up and upside down, and there is right or wrong, but no balance. Wrong is so much stronger. Everything is wrong. Panic. Shatter.
Phew it's been a while since I wrote my random mish mash here. Exams are over! Well the majority of them are. Only one left. And it's 3 weeks away (meaning at this point in time, it is completely irrelevant...all information I process now will be forgotten by then :P)
There's a million and one things to do, as usual...I feel like I'm always hungry nowadays. It is so uncool. Today my mum's friend fropped off these really cool jeans, for me, but I was TOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAT TO FIT THEM! Argh the depressingness. This is why I'm such a home hobbit. I have nothing to wear which is even vaguely presentable. Bah. Humbug.
Speaking of which...I got into the school production! Except now I'm kinda wondering if it's worth the commitment. Commitment scares me. I've been spending my days making covers (which are all crap, but check out my youtube channel! http://www.youtube.com/user/qwertyunicorn19). Also I laughed so hard during lunch I'm pretty sure I got a full ab workout. My lunchtimes are now much more enjoyable now thanks to a bunch of awesome people (some of which I cannt remeber their names and so I will not type them all out here haha).
Anyways, as I was saying before, I'm going through a phase where I CANNOT STOP EATING!
I have demolished 3 tubs of garlic butter with their accompanying homebaked bread and 2 boxes of cereal? IT TASTE SO GOOD! But it is a vicious cycle.
1. chomp chomp chomp
2. look down at thighs
4. look at various food
6. chomp chomp chomp
Get the picture?
Anyways...I have been taking the day of the week as they come in a completely relaxing and meaningless manner...meaning that I'm paying less attention in class...not that I usually do, but less than usual. And the combined fact that exams (well, the majority) are over, the seniors have left and the unmistakenably golden spring weather makes concentrating hard, even though there is still [the horribly horrible] camp and one more exam and prizegiving(s) to deal with...life is good :P
I'm on my 5th bowl of cereal.
A week has passed...had exams...so extensive mugging was needed.
Mugging is like intensive and frantic last minute memorising (not robbing people on the street!It's a Singaporean thing)...studying is more preparation...people who study are well prepared. But then again, most people I know only started mugging at lunchtime or in form/tutor/(protected) time (whatever time you have in the morning before normal classes!). SO in other words their frantic information memorisation only began half an hour or so before the actual exam. If that is the definition of mugging, then I MIGHT have been studying!
I did feel semi prepared. I prepared the least for maths, and I have another maths exam tomorrow at 7.30am (WHY?!). And I started my prep on Friday. DUN DUN DUN!
I have two exams left, the maths one as above, and a music one in 3 weeks. Overall, I think the exams went okay...I mean as a junior, 5 exams is nothing. Next year I'm going to die. I can see the future. I'm going to die. (DUN DUN DUN!)
At least I answered all the questions! (Except maths...maybe I should have listened during parabolas...ah well...I suppose it was only 1 question.) In English, I got a blister from writing...ain't that hardcore? Nah not really.
I'm not ready at all for the exam tomorrow. Freakong out! But trust all us Asians to go try out anyway. This week at assembly, al the maths awards were called, and the teacher announcing it said "we recognise a lot of sporting achievement at this school, but I think it's time we recognise some of our academic and math (she was American) acievement". NO one even bothered to hold in their sniggers (me included). Pretty much everyone called up was Asian (me too! but i didn;t know I was supposed to be there, so they said I was absent lol). The audience CHEERED when the first white person/non Asian took the stage. So racist. But what the heck...GOOD TIMES!
Hard as it is to believe, I'm not too fussed if I fail tomorrow's exam(WHAT KIND OF ATTITYUDE IS THIS?! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO!?) because it will just be a test of my crappy maths abilities hahaha. And it AINT COMPULSORY!!!
I LOVE CAPS LOCK WHEN I EAT TOO MANY MARSHYMALLOWS!!!
And pretty much all the time when I'm high :D
Anyway...what else has happened in the past week? I feel as if I have done nothing, no gym, no kung fu...I did get a fringe! But it is EPICLY MUNTED because my mum cut it too short =.=
Oh well. Give it a week and it'll be long again :D
I love blogging <3
I fought myself, an inner battle. I fought the strong and I fought the coward.
The crazy contrast of what happened on Tuesday and Monday makes me wonder if I have bipolar again. (Definately inherited...my mother shows clear examples.) I didn't even know I was capable of being so bitchy. Wow. I'm really sorry. Kind of. Not really. Depends.
I always get really confused at my own behaviour. How weird is that?! One minute I'm totally happy and hyper, and the next I'm the queen of sheba. Sheesh.
Anyways, not going to gym puts me to a disadvantage for the amount of social input I've had today. Oh, what the heck, I never have social input.
A girl in my science class asked me today, "How do you deal with awkward situations?"
I can tell you I was delighted to reply with a suitably sarcastic answer.
How do you I deal with awkward situations? Well first things first, almost every situation seems to be an awkward one for me. My entire life seems to run on awkward-ness. Whether it actually is an awkward situaion or just my inner paranoia, I'm not always sure, but just saying that most conversations and social interaction I engage in is usually awkward, becase I'm too caught up in trying to read other people's faces and what they are thinking as I speak.
This poor girl on the recieving end of all my sarcastic intentions then goes on to ask "Well what if it's awkard with your friends? Seriously girl, then your friends need to accept you for being awkward. As I said, awkward is practically what I do best. SO accepting someone for being awkward is accepting the person.
I am so weird.
I just have more of these times than the average person!
Is to be spontaneous because that's the way I roll
★ SAPPHIRE! ★
★ KENDALL! ★
★ MAXINE! ★
★ DANIELLE! ★
★ CHARLOTTE! ★
★ CAITLIN! ★
★ LAUREN! ★
★ ERIN! ★
★ EEIYN! ★
★ NICOLE! ★