★ profile★

ramblings of a teenage girl

TO HERE

So, a couple of days ago, my Dad called a 'Fucking Asian' for no apparent reason, but my dad, being my dad, stays completely cool and ignores the entire situation. I mean, he heard, but he ignored. If it was me, I'd have bashed the living daylights out of that person in two skedaddles. But not my dad, he doesn't even use the car horn. But he's cool like that.

It makes me think, because my Dad is pretty Asian, born and bred right? How about me? Where the fuck do I fit?

POINT NUMBER 1
I don't speak any Asian Languages.
POINT NUMBER 2
I was born in Asia.
POINT NUMBER 3
I have full Asian Blood (both parents are Asian).
POINT NUMBER 4
I live in New Zealand?

SO...apparently this makes me...a....
Whitewashed Bitch.
Me?
Really?

Third Culture Kids.
I found a whole website on them, and the so called identity they hold. We hold.
I mean, sure, I'm nt a refugee forced to live in another country by unforseen circumstances or some poor sexually abused human trafickee abandoned on the streets of a foreign country, but I'm still a kid who *ahem wikipedia* "has spent a significant part of [their] developmental years outside the parents' culture. The TCK [Third Culture Kid] frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any."

HOoray! Wikipedia got it right!

BUT as depressing as this post sounds, I actually love being yellow.

I SCREAM IT OUT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!
I LOVE BEING YELLOW!

*more soon*

Okay, so I wrote this and it sounds like something else and I can't pin what it is, so I ask for your advice.

And IGNORE THAT LAST NOTE! I NEED TO RE-RECORD!



No gym today. Or rather, I didn't go to gym today.

I ADMIT I'M A SLACKER!

I'm terribly useless at everything lately. NOTHING IS WORKING FOR ME! At the gym I mean, and everyone is getting bloody damn frustrated (well, I'm getting frustrated) because I'm never going to be the way I used to be (well it seems like it now) and I need change for the BETTER not for the worse, I need change that will work in my favour not against it. I don't really have any motivation left. I go to gym because I have to life.

WHICH makes me think...what the heck was my motivation in the first place?
And the sad thing is, I don't remember what it was.

Rosy (coach) says DO THIS!
And I say YES MAM!
But really, I'm not really changing anything.
She asks me if I understand, and I say I do, because I understand how it works, and what to do.
I don't understand how to force my body to do it.
Eh.

WHY IS MY BODY SO STUBBORN?!

I wish that I was dedicated to something, and motivated towards something and had potential towards doing something that mattered.

:(


If you've ever seen me with my hair out and though "wow your hair is so nice!"

YOU'RE WRONG!
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO GET IT TO THAT STATE?!?!

I'm kidding, I love my hair the way it is. Unbrushed, unruly and completely effortless. My sister tried to run her hands through it today, and I screamed and told her to leave it alone. I prefer the wind to run it's madness through it instead. That's what I'm aiming for- an effortless dreads look (or as my mother calls it, an Asian Afro =.=)

Anyways, I've been very unproductive recently, and I feel terrible (to myself) because I WANNA BE PREPARED FOR SCHOOL! And clearly the way I am wasting my time, that is never going to happen. When I walk into my room, there is a massive mould of clothes that I don't want/don't belong to me/aren't supposed to be kept in the drawer sitting on my bed. Various books are scattered in spine breaking, half read positions across the floor and my sister's hair straightener is lying blazing hot and right in the path of my foot intends to travel. It's a mess. I'm a mess. *sings* "WE'RE ALL IN THIISSSS TOGEETHEEER!!!"

I've developed (or rather, just realised I had) a habit of randomly bursting out into song depending on the nicks of conversation I catch. Examples...

Kate: I can't do this!
Me: "Doon't Stop! Belieeeeeeeeeving!!!"

Clare: But you have the power!
Me: "Poweeeer!!! TO THE PEOPLE!!!"

Somebody I know who said this because I can't remember right now who it was: I've got a bad feeling about this...
Me: "I-I sometiiiiimmmmmeeeesss, I GOTTA GOOD FEELING! YEA! I GOT A FEELING THAT I NEVER NEVER NEVER FELT BEFORE!!!"

Yea. So I'm sorry about that. Just tell me to shut up okay?
(Unfortunately, my shut-upification is not guaranteed.)

My sisters and I were just discussing the genders of our stuff toys (yes, I possess stuff toys. DON'T JUDGE ME! I DON'T CUDDLE THEM!) and I told them mine were all boys (DON'T JUDGE ME! I DO NOT SLEEP WITH MALE STUFF TOYS!) and my sister said that she couldn't decide whether hers were girls or boys so they were gonna be girl-boys.

=.=

I have no idea why I'm so random.

OH! And 2 new videos for gym people on my channel!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNjnpF7bCug -The Gym Song
And The Bar Song is uploading as I type.

I have way too much spare time.

The short blogging hiatus was completely unintentional, just a billion things have happened and also our internet is dying (as mentioned in the last post), my mummy came back, gym started, excuses excuses...
Life is getting back to normal, my hols are bound to go faster now that gym's going again and my mother's here to nag me etc.

In the midst of all these fantabulous things I can't help but feel darkness foreshadows the future. Change came and went and I didn't even notice. It really makes me wonder, if I had embraced the things I had and/or the people I loved, would it make it better? Perhaps being indifferent to emotion doesn't really help at all.

It is unbelievable and completely idiotic for me to say this, but I think I miss 2011. I miss Maria, and I miss the Leftovers when perhaps we weren't so much left alone. I miss freedom and independence and youth- not that I have experienced a sudden loss of those things, but people trampling on my life can change things.

Now for another night of brain torture, I'm actually exhuasted today, for pretty much no reason. I find nowadays, I can't recover like I used to, I'm lethargic, lazy, tired, sore- all the time. I'm just getting old aren't I?

:(

4 days into the month and our household has already used up 68% of it's monthly broadband limit. We usually only use about 50% (which is heaps anyway, but the whole month!) O.o
Don't worry, I'll still be blogging, but I ban myself from Youtube for the rest of the month. I think. And my sisters have banned themselves from online gaming, and retreated to use the wii as a subsitute.

So, today, as usual I set myself a goal of doing some physical exercise, except when I woke up the rain was once again attacking the windows. Poor windows. Once again Mother Nature is prohibiting me from venturing outside the house, other than to put the laundry downstairs.

I REALLY FEEL LIKE A MACCAS SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM!!! There is no worse feeling than craving something and not being able to have it...especially when that thing is ice cream.
*sad face*

Anyways, instead of walking 2.5km in the rain to the nearest place which sells ice cream for 60c, I decided to cartoonify myself, so that I have a logo/motif/signature image thingie to customize anything I wish to customise in the future (I haven't put very much thought into this.) Here she is so far...
Okay, I know that you're thinking- "YOU LOOK LIKE THAT?!" and the answer is...no. In fact I feel a little guilty for making her look so pretty when I look like something comparable to an old hag. Anyway, my hair isn't really that long, it's just that cartooning runs on the basis that head should be crazy big and eyes should be sparkly (the true Asian way). The hair and the face/head area is all in proportion to each other but I'm sure you'd guess that my arms aren't really that skinny, and my torso isn't really that short...but the point is...IT'S A CARTOON! And to prove my point I even gave her 3 fingers (when the magical cartooning unicorn abducts you, it takes a finger from each hand as payment).

The original drawing actually looks like this:
I really want a t-shirt like that.
And a donut.
And an ice cream like the mint one on her shirt.
CAN'T WAIT 'TIL MY MUMMY COMES BACK TOMORROW!

My room (or the part of the room I have been assigned) is so tidy! I tidied and threw out random 2011 junk and rearranged and stuck (uneducational) posters up on the wall in an organised manner...but I can't comprehend the neatness!
*jumps on the bed smashes books into the floor*

Better.

Okay, so when my Mummy gets back SHE'S GONNA BRING ME ALL THIS AWESOME STUFF AND COOK FOOD FOR US IN HER MUM-SY WAY! I'll have new clothes (well, some hand-me-down ones that have never been used so I guess they are counted as new) and technology and shoes and books and stationery...
This is why I don't bother shopping- A. I'm always broke - B. I get my rellies to give me their previously owned (practically unused) stuff. Like Cameras. And Phones. *chuckles with delight*

I'm like a crazy collectables lady.

The only problem is that I'm not going to have enough room to keep all my new belongings (casually avoiding using the word 'stuff' there). Currently, it all fits into one plastic set of drawers, a shoebox, and a small section of stacked books (and whatever excess is in the laundry basket/wardrobe(s)). And yet I can trasnform my (section of) room into a nuclear reactant waste zone.

Anyways, looking at the book shelf this morning I realised I haven't actually read any novels this year/holidays. I haven't read anything! Except for blog posts and neuroscience articles and a book on stem cell research...but that's not counted! While my genius aquaintences make use of their time crooning over educational notes and complex literature *ahem the ninja Othello readerand people who read historical literature without getting up, running and screaming in the opposite direction* I've just been making posters of fruit with lame captions. Wanna see?

Banana poster. Like?
I should make a brain anatomy one.

My fringe is getting to that stage where it's half in my eyes, but still too short for me to put it up (my hair is most uncooperative). I don't want to cut it, because then how will I trim it into side bangs/a side fringe when it matures into somthing longer? And I don't want to put it up because I look like a retard. Solution- *fluff up fringe so it isn't in eyes anymore*

Genius.

I think I have started 2012 pretty well. Listening to the Party Time Youtuber song and weird combinations of music like Latin + Rap.

You should click on those links and check out that cool music by Andrew and other Andrew.

I'm destined for a year of Intensive Youtube-ship.
I'll be in the intensive psych ward if you need me.
(DRY! OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?! I BLAME YOU PARTY TIME YOUTUBER SONG!)

Anyways, I didn't actually write any resolutions for this year, looking at last year's resolutions made me feel too depressed. But, I've only missed out on one day so far, and I...probably wouldn't have accomplished much in 24 hours anyway, so here goes...resolutions for 2012!
1. Shut up when people tell me to.
2. Study. Like actually, study, not willing a photographic memory to suddenly be implanted into my brain 2 hours before the exam.
3. Write and Record the songs. Not just dream about them. WRITE THEM DOWN CHILD!
4. Stop being silly and depressed and induce sugar highs more often to prevent depressiveness this year.

That's it. I'm not going ot put stupid stuff like 'get off the computer and save the children in Africa' because it's totally unachievable, and I'll never stop Youtubing and Blogging. Nothing can stop me, unless my fingers get amputated or something, in which case I will turn to video blogging, and voice recognition on my computer.

Last night, I had the weirdest dream ever. Way to go 2012 dreams, you are no better than 2011's nightmares. Anyway, I dreamt my dad died, which was pretty freaky. It was weird because my stupid mind even fabricated an image of his corpse. *shivers*
And it was sort of like a supernatural/paranormal/extraterrestial murder mystery. Well, that's what I went through when I woke up. Ew. I don't want to go back to sleep if this is what my brain does to me.

So in my dream, we started in our Christchurch house, and my Dad went out in his trademark blue jacket to take out the rubbish. The only thing is...he went out the front door, when normally you take out the rubbish throught the back door...not to mention the back door was a million times closer. That was the last time he was alive in my dream O.o
Then, we cut across to my mum coming home from work, and she come through the back door?! When you come home through the front door! What was going on?!
So, even though these two scenes were adjacent to each other, I got that feeling time was passing, indefinately inbetween these two events. Finally, one day when Mum asked me to go outside to get ome eggs from the chickens (that was weird too, we've never had chickens before! Although we have talked about having them) I brought up the fact that we hadn't seen Dad in a while (seriously? I would have thought that I would have noticed before).

So we went out looking for him- all of us kids and Mum. So after a bit of discussing, we realised we hadn't seen Dad in a month (we were very unobservant in my dream.) It was night time, and we walked out on the streets looking for him, and then next thing you know we were on the roof, looking out into the back garden. Mum said "It's not like our house is super big or anything, we don't own a farm [at this point, the house magically transformed into a mix of 3 different houses, the back yard extended into one of our friend's yard (they own a farm) and all the surbuban houses became patchwork paddocks.] why can't we find him? "

So we hopped down from the roof, and then we found a pair of (brown-like cowboy movies) pants hanging from the fence? And this fence looked like the fence of one of our first ever rental properties, but the thing was...they were clearly not Dad's pants so it was completely irrelevant.

So then I ventured into our new garden extension (as mentioned in the last paragraph) and I saw a paper bag, and some white sticks, until I realised those sticks were in fact legs (my dad's legs are quite skinny in real life anyway, so it wasn't that bad for me to mistake them for sticks). So I lift this paper bag (a heavy duty red shopping bag) and dad's head fell out and hung midway from the floor. I didnt know if his neck was broken or anything, but his eyes! OMFG I HATE YOU BRAIN FOR CONJURING UP SUCH IMAGES! His eyes were glassy, but like frog eyes where the upper and lower eyelids crease up a little to produce a slit like eye, but they stared right at me, well into space but AT ME. AIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! IT WAS SO FREAKY!!!! WHY WAS THE CORPSE SO REALISTIC?!?!?!

I walked away, and went to tell mum I had found him, AND SUDDENLY OUR HOUSE HAD TRANSFORMED INTO THAT CREEPY DREAMLAND HOUSE THAT ALWAYS MAKES IT'S WAY INTO MY DREAMS WITH THE METAL GRATES ON THE DOORS (LIKE THE ONES YOU GET IN SINGAPORE!)! My mum didn't seem so concerned about this death, which made me think that maybe, he wasn't dead. I mean, he is skinny in real life. So I went out again and all my siblings were prodding him and laughing. IT WAS SO FREAKY!!!! And then I woke up.

I woke up first among all my sisters (we all share one room) and so it gave me a chance to ponder the meaning of the dream. I investigated the menaings and causes of his death? Judging from the state of his body, he had died quite recently (not yet decmposed) but not recent enough for resucitation (clearly past or before rigor mortis judging by the movement of his head D:). Why the heck was his head in a paper bag? It looked like a deliberate attempt at murder, because why the heck wouldn't he just come into the house otherwise? And what was he doing the whole month before?

Finally after a long bout of intensive thinking, I settled on the theory that he was abducted by Aliens.

*shivers*
My dad was alive and well when I got ot of bed. He was drinking tea. And he also said that dreams with death mean the person is going to have a new beginning, so I'll just keep that in mind and try not to think of other repulsive images.

Yea.

And one last thing- you really should listen to the Party Time Youtuber song.

★ tagboard ★

i think they call it freedom of speech

★ links ★

ctrl + left click

★ archives ★

watch me waste my life away

★ credits ★

★ SHOUTOUTS ★

even if I don't say ♥ that often