★ profile★

ramblings of a teenage girl

Where is the point where words don't mean anything anymore?
Clearly, I've passed it. When sorry needs to mean sorry it doesn't work. "I don't know" is meaningless, because I always know, I just won't say. I have never told anybody really how I feel, because I don't know really what I feel? I always say "nothings wrong" or "I'm fine" but I'm never okay, or fine, that's just my automatic reaction. I am always scared of what people will say, or do, or think and it's horrible having constant worrying going on in the back of my head. I'm paranoid to the fact that I'm self conscious of being self conscious.
I don't know if anyone else thinks as fast or retardedly as I do. Everyone always says "be yourself!" and I can't do that, because I don't know how. There's too many different versions of myself scattered throughout the time and space continuum so I don't know which one to pick to be myself. I could be sad and passive like in Year 2, or I could be violent and aggressive like in Year 4, or I could just stick to knowing everything like in Year 6, or I could break down for no reason whatsoever like in Year 7, or I could be invisible like in Year 9 and now in Year 10, what other options do I have?!
I don't see my self as developing, I see change, and abrupt, strict change.
I though moving to Auckland would help me find myself, after all, I love the city and the buzz and everything associated with city life, and moving here meant letting go of everything, starting again. I loved that idea. Because I hate my own past. And I've started again so many times it's normal for me. I can reinvent myself each time I move. There's new people and new opportunities, but I feel as if I'm ruining it all again. Going through the same mistakes, building crumbling walls a top those that have crumbled and it's just not working.
I don't know if this is adolescence, or stress, or insanity.
And that scares me.
I'm sorry this week's posts are so depressing.
I have a lot on my mind right now, more than usual and that's unusual because it's hard to get anymore on my mind that what is normally on it already.
I will try and write a song or something happier for the next post.

*feeble attempt at a smile*

If you've ever tried to compliment me, you would know that I instantaneously turn it down or deny it (unless you've known me in one of my more manic mood swings). I just don't like it when people say nice things to me, I don't know why, but I guess I'm so used to sarcasm and people putting me down that it sounds weird when their not. It makes me feel as if you're mocking me, or just doing it to make me feel better, which I hate. I put myself down to compensate for what people seldom do now, it's weird, but hey I'm a weird person.
I didn't really understand compassion as a kid. Not many people around me knew the meaning of it either, and I was scared of love, and hugs and physical contact and anything that involved pulling me out of my dark hole. I still am scared, of people, of surrounds. If someone has the power to hold me, it gives them the power to break me, and to break my shell would leave me spilling my past out on the floor, which would be a horrible sight for all to see. Why should I say anything? The more I say the more power they have, to use against me.
I guess in giving me a compliment I feel obliged to give something back, a little piece of my soul or something.
Sometimes, the little voice in my head tells me this.
"They think they care, sometimes even you think they care, but they're all the same.
You have to remind yourself sometimes.
Because they don't know, and you're not saying anything."
I don't even understand myself, and to think someone else could is unrealistic.
Actually, I think the title of this post should be "Why I am scared of people".
I'm running off topic.
But anyway, please just understand that I don't take praise well at gym because when I started I had a crazy, psycho (tautology sorry) coach standing over me and barking his head off that I sucked and that he was going to strangle me with a bungy cord if I didn't point my toes (I was 8 for the record), and I don't take praise well from my peers because I never had friends who really cared until Year 6, and I've never let anyone else in since. I've changed very much from then anyway.
Some people think I don't like praise because I set my expectations too high, and then I'm scared of being distracted by praise on the way. I don't know.
I really don't know. But it's just in my nature to deflect every single bit of praise I get.
Don't take offence to it okay?

Just'know that I don't take it well.

Some companies really are desperate for customers, especially those who are prepared to offer a 10% discount "if you find a lower price on the same stocked item".
I'm talking about the likes of Bunnings Warehouse, and Mitre 10 Mega who proudly advertise on their ads that they'll beat any price of a stocked item by 10% (actually 15% for Bunnings Warehouse -http://www.bunnings.co.nz/ ).

So, I have a theory. You can't have more than one place cheaper, so what if...you had a moderately priced item, lets say a water blaster for $150, and it was cheaper at Bunnings Warehouse so you ran to Mitre 10 Mega to go and complain, and then they gave you 10% off, so you got a $15 discount and paid $135 for it at Mitre 10 Mega.
Suppose you then ran to Bunnings Warehouse and told them that they were ripping you off there because it was 10% less and then they gave you discount of 15% ($20.25) so you paid $114.75 for it instead and went back to Mitre 10 Mega and told them that they should be ashamed of themsleves for selling it at such a high margin and so they gave you a further 10% off and then you went back to Bunnings and so on and on...

You could save a lot of moolah!
If I actually needed a waterblaster, I would try this out, but I don't think it's such a bad idea.
Pity it's winter.
And I suppose you'd need to count in the petrol costs and such, but if the shops were so close together they'd have to compete pretty hard anyway. You'd need to be in a smallish town, and maybe need an item of greater worth to get a bigger saving after minusing the petrol.

My God I think too much.
Haha and why would I ever need to go to a hardware store for?!

I feel sorry for all those people who can't express what they're going through or feeling like inside (grrr sounds cliche). I myself, know how they feel. Before blogging, I used to write lengthy diary entries which had no point whatsoever, and could endlessly ramble on about how deprressing life was or how happy I was that day because my mum bought chocolate icecream or something, but now, I can blog for the world to see my inner awesomeness, and write songs which is even better because people can (hopefully) relate to them and enjoy the music too.
I can even blog my songs and if I'm especially bored, write a song about blogging and then blog the song about blogging!
I also think that people who don't have a source to pour out all their emotions can either explode, implode or partially do both. You're either violent or have a sudden outburst or suicidal which is exploding and imploding explained respectively. Whether it's talking to someone (if you're comfortable, I know I never was), writing it down (even if it sounds like crap, like mine) using a punching bag, whatever, you have to let it go you know? I've exploded and imploded, been there done that. It sucks. Life sucks. But we get over it.
And right now I am happy. Yay!
So please, if you do not have a way of expressing your inner awesomeness, take this inspirational blog post and find a way to do so!
[And I am sorry Kung Fu Panda for taking away your slogan :(  ]

I just utterly embarrassed myself by posting the wrong link of my blog in someone's CBox...wait for it...5 BLIMMIN' TIMES!!! I blamed it on the fact that my hands were cold, which they were, but I am still annoyed with myself because it makes me seem like some random stalker for posting/commenting 5 times. So if you followed that link, I am sorry for putting you through all this trouble to read my random thoughts.

I hope I earn your forgiveness...

Everyone has those words that you just can't get the hang of, for me, it's UNNECESSARY. The word itself I mean, not that the words are unnecessary. I'm hoping that by using the word unnecessary over and over in this post, I might embed the spelling and typing pattern in my head so I don't always have to rely on the person next to me for the spelling, which is always embarrassing cos they're under the impression that I'm like a cyborg or something.

What are some unnecessary things? Over reacting is one, and I'm known for that. I also know some people that are unnecessarily bossy, and some people who unnecessarily copy other people, or unnecessarily exist in the first place, which is really, really mean but who gives? I'm learning to spell unnecessary!!!

Hmmm, I'm still hesitant...U N N E C E S S A R Y.  Yay! I can do it!
And that was unnecessary.
Okay now I'm obsessed, which is not good.
And also unnecessary.
Welcome to my world of paradoxes.

People automatically assume that to be smart you have to know ANYTHING nd EVERYTHING. Well, the only reason I know some things is because I am obsessive, and obsessiveness makes me want to know everything and everything about a particular subject.

I have a random diagram thing I see in my head when I think about stuff like this (but blogger is not letting me post the picture that I drew). I reckon that everyone has a certain number if 'connections' that you can direct your brain to. Normal people have these connections sorta spread out in the middle and they have to work to connect them to maths and stuff like that, but apparentely gifted and autistic peoples' brains are concetrated on certain subjects and stuff. However, to compensate for the extreme concentration in some parts, there are large holes where there are no connections at all.

My connections are all concentrated on obsessiveness, and subjects that have been benefitted from the obsessiveness, like random facts and yodelling and the mysteries of the universe and paradoxes etc. But I have almost no hand eye coordination, a terrible sense of direction and I'm afraid of socialising and being with people. Haha.

The difference between intelligence and stupidity is not how much you understand, it's how you understand. And I see things in really different ways from everyone else. For example, I relate everything to numbers, and then I relate numbers to other numbers I previously associated with a similar subject to those numbers. Whether it'd be making equations out of the time or relating the time to a prominant event, I even keep myself entertained by naming a special quality of each of the numbers on the seats in a gymnastics stadium while I'm waiting for prizegiving, eg. 26 is cool because it's twice 13, the world's most superstitious number, 27 is cool because it is 3 to the power of 3, 28 is cool because it is a perfect number etc.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! I have more random obsessions, for example I can make up a song about almost anything on the spot, I click my teeth or blink or tap my finger or something when we are driving at the intervals of lamp posts, letterboxes and/or driveways, I wiggle my fingers randomly to practice an instrument without actually having it there and when something goes wrong for me I have a habit of brainstorming every possibilty and outcome that could possibly happen and make the situation worse and then totally over react and start hyperventilating.

The point of this post is...I AM NOT SMART!!!
Just overly obsessive.
Thank you for listening.

I hate to be cliche and start things off with a dictionary definition...but here is the definition for normal...according to Dictionary.com [ http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/normal ]
It is long, so if you have a short attention span like me in maths, I have highlighted the most important bits.

Normal


No one says it in Auckland! What is this?! I have always said thank you to the bus driver in Christchurch and in Singapore, and maybe an occasional Merry Christmas or two for fun (even if it's not actually Christmas), but you have to acknowledge them in someway, right? If someone takes you somewhere you say thank you as well and ideally they've gotten you from point A to point B too, so how hard is a thank you?
Some one laughed at me the other day because I said 'thank you'.
Seriously?!
Everyone just hops of the bus as if the bus driver isn't even there.
I personally think bus drivers are quite skilled. Most of us people who take the school bus can't drive a car to get ourselves somewhere, let alone a large rectangular shaped box on wheels with squillions of people on it who have no seat bealts and are in danger of flying out the window if you suddenly brake.
Please, please, please spare a thought for the bus driver when you next take a bus.
:)
That was my rant for the day.

Hello people,

After being partially depressed this week I decided that I could do with a bit more randomness...so I decided to write song on something random.
I hope you guys like it!!! Haha

The Supermarket Song

I walk in through the automatic doors and glance at my reflection,
Grab a trolley from the trundler stand and take a look at the vege selection.
There's brocolli and spinach too and the carrots are on special,
If I spend enough, I'll get a voucher whoo! and save 4 cents on petrol!
Groceries, Groceries, Groceries!
They're the chore that we dread all week,
When we see the ad on TV,
We know the specials are at their peak!
Even if we have to pay for our plastic bags,
Or wait centuries for the checkout,
If there's ever nothing in the pantry,
There's only ONe place we'd come about...
Feel the cool air near the milk and cheese and breathe in the smell of the pastries,
Chuck a loaf of bread with some yogurt in and anything else that looks tasty,
Looking out for all the neon labels that say something is cheaper than normal,
Get the free range chicken and not the other 'cos it might have extra hormones,
Groceries, Groceries, Groceries!
They're the chore that we dread all week,
When we see the ad on TV,
We know the specials are at their peak!
Even if we have to pay for our plastic bags,
Or wait centuries for the checkout,
If there's ever nothing in the pantry,
There's only ONe place we'd come about...Whether it's Pak 'n' Save or countdown,
Supermarkets are for shopping around,
Looking for the lowest prices yea,
Walking down the aisles...
Groceries, Groceries, Groceries!
They're the chore that we dread all week,
When we see the ad on TV,
We know the specials are at their peak!
Even if we have to pay for our plastic bags,
Or wait centuries for the checkout,
If there's ever nothing in the pantry,
There's only ONe place we'd come about...
For our groceries...
Yea yea groceries!!!

Lol, there's my random awesomeness for the day...
Hope you like it!!!

Who doesn't have a secret?
Some oh so much darker than what they show on the outside.
Violent shadows.
dancing in the light.
Or is the light dancing in the shadows?
Which gets right
of way?
Questions.
Again questions.
Admidst the shadows.
and abrupt
emptiness.
Willing to give everything,
but left with nothing to give.
Nothing to lose.
nothing
at all.

You can only trust yourself.
And yet what happens when you don't trust even yourself?
Believe in yourself.
Believe in yourself.
Believe in yourself.
And I am.
I believe that I cannot.
How are you to fault me?
I am believing, I trust myself,
to not do the deed.
Simple as that.

What do you see in the girl,
who's standing right next to you.
Does it look like straight As are all she ever knew?
Do you see the girl who thinks until it hurts, to let it go.
Filled with fear and rejection cos that's all, she's ever known.

But that's all you'll see,
What she wants you to think,
What she wants you to see her as,
Just let her be,
No point digging up ruins,
That were never asked for.

What do you see in the girl,
Who's gone down the corridor.
Does it look like she's got everthing, she could ever ask for.
Do you see the girl who cries herself to sleep, or on the bathroom floor,
The one who doesn't see the point of living, anymore.

And that's all you'll see,
What she wants you the think,
What she wants you to see her as,
Just let her be,
No point digging up ruins,
That were never asked for.

She's got everything to lose,
At the single word perfection,
Looking high and low,
For someone to,
Point in the direction,
That's meant to be.

Cos all you'll see,
Is what she wants you to think,
what she wants you to see her as,
Just let her be,
No point digging up ruins,
that where never asked for.
(No point diggin' up ruins, no point diggin' up ruins)
That were never asked for.
　

I haven't blogged for a month!!!
This is tragic.
Oh well.
We have moved into our new house.
I have developed an obsession about obsessions and pschological disorders.
I'm on my 8th book in 5 days.
It's Queen's birthday!
I am so good at doing nothing.
Well, physically.
Just gives me more time to think.
As if I don't do enough of that already.
Not exactly productive thinking, because I still make the worse desicions ever (if I can convince myself to make a desicion at all).
Random ramblings.
Questions.
MORE QUESTIONS!!!
Answered with questions.
Ideas that never make it to paper, or to the blog in this case.
Argh!!!
THis is a ranty post.
I will now post a new song.
(Which I might be using for my music assessment!
I hope this isn't illegal or anything)
About what you don't see.
In the girl who's standing right next to you.

★ tagboard ★

i think they call it freedom of speech

★ links ★

ctrl + left click

★ archives ★

watch me waste my life away

★ credits ★

★ SHOUTOUTS ★

even if I don't say ♥ that often