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Ever wondered what goes on in her mind?
My name is Alethea.
I am 14 years old
I have this delusional thing that my name is the best name in the world, but that's just my subconciousness trying to grasp some part of myself that is not self loathing.
I have almost non existent self esteem. Even though I play 3 instruments (well, lets just leave it at 3) and I am supposedly I am a gymnast (I think I am too fail to be under that title), I'm under the impression I am bad at everything. (Which I am!)
I have a very obsessive nature. I am also quite unpredictable and unreliable and I'm scared of being social.
On of my special talents is yodelling.
That's how weird I am of course.
I like talking using words with more that 3 syllables to make it sound as if I am speaking a language other than English, even though that's the only language I speak. I'm a disgrace to Asians apparently because I cannot speak the language in which my complexion screams out otherwise.
I am obsessed with big words and psychological disorders and paradoxes of all kinds.
I have survived through a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and numerous aftershocks, and been to 7 different schools in my life. (And 5 gym clubs and I don't even want to start counting the teachers.)
I fear I am a pessimist.
Sometimes I am a grammar freak too.
This blog is to help other understand what goes on in my head.
Good luck with that!
★ profile★
ramblings of a teenage girl
My name is Alethea.
I am 14 years old
I have this delusional thing that my name is the best name in the world, but that's just my subconciousness trying to grasp some part of myself that is not self loathing.
I have almost non existent self esteem. Even though I play 3 instruments (well, lets just leave it at 3) and I am supposedly I am a gymnast (I think I am too fail to be under that title), I'm under the impression I am bad at everything. (Which I am!)
I have a very obsessive nature. I am also quite unpredictable and unreliable and I'm scared of being social.
On of my special talents is yodelling.
That's how weird I am of course.
I like talking using words with more that 3 syllables to make it sound as if I am speaking a language other than English, even though that's the only language I speak. I'm a disgrace to Asians apparently because I cannot speak the language in which my complexion screams out otherwise.
I am obsessed with big words and psychological disorders and paradoxes of all kinds.
I have survived through a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and numerous aftershocks, and been to 7 different schools in my life. (And 5 gym clubs and I don't even want to start counting the teachers.)
I fear I am a pessimist.
Sometimes I am a grammar freak too.
This blog is to help other understand what goes on in my head.
Good luck with that!
"You're crazy!"
"I know!"
Where is the point where words don't mean anything anymore?
Clearly, I've passed it. When sorry needs to mean sorry it doesn't work. "I don't know" is meaningless, because I always know, I just won't say. I have never told anybody really how I feel, because I don't know really what I feel? I always say "nothings wrong" or "I'm fine" but I'm never okay, or fine, that's just my automatic reaction. I am always scared of what people will say, or do, or think and it's horrible having constant worrying going on in the back of my head. I'm paranoid to the fact that I'm self conscious of being self conscious.
I don't know if anyone else thinks as fast or retardedly as I do. Everyone always says "be yourself!" and I can't do that, because I don't know how. There's too many different versions of myself scattered throughout the time and space continuum so I don't know which one to pick to be myself. I could be sad and passive like in Year 2, or I could be violent and aggressive like in Year 4, or I could just stick to knowing everything like in Year 6, or I could break down for no reason whatsoever like in Year 7, or I could be invisible like in Year 9 and now in Year 10, what other options do I have?!
I don't see my self as developing, I see change, and abrupt, strict change.
I though moving to Auckland would help me find myself, after all, I love the city and the buzz and everything associated with city life, and moving here meant letting go of everything, starting again. I loved that idea. Because I hate my own past. And I've started again so many times it's normal for me. I can reinvent myself each time I move. There's new people and new opportunities, but I feel as if I'm ruining it all again. Going through the same mistakes, building crumbling walls a top those that have crumbled and it's just not working.
I don't know if this is adolescence, or stress, or insanity.
And that scares me.
I'm sorry this week's posts are so depressing.
I have a lot on my mind right now, more than usual and that's unusual because it's hard to get anymore on my mind that what is normally on it already.
I will try and write a song or something happier for the next post.
*feeble attempt at a smile*
"I know!"
★ It is this that I do not know. ★
Wednesday, June 29, 2011 ( 10:19 PM )
Where is the point where words don't mean anything anymore?
Clearly, I've passed it. When sorry needs to mean sorry it doesn't work. "I don't know" is meaningless, because I always know, I just won't say. I have never told anybody really how I feel, because I don't know really what I feel? I always say "nothings wrong" or "I'm fine" but I'm never okay, or fine, that's just my automatic reaction. I am always scared of what people will say, or do, or think and it's horrible having constant worrying going on in the back of my head. I'm paranoid to the fact that I'm self conscious of being self conscious.
I don't know if anyone else thinks as fast or retardedly as I do. Everyone always says "be yourself!" and I can't do that, because I don't know how. There's too many different versions of myself scattered throughout the time and space continuum so I don't know which one to pick to be myself. I could be sad and passive like in Year 2, or I could be violent and aggressive like in Year 4, or I could just stick to knowing everything like in Year 6, or I could break down for no reason whatsoever like in Year 7, or I could be invisible like in Year 9 and now in Year 10, what other options do I have?!
I don't see my self as developing, I see change, and abrupt, strict change.
I though moving to Auckland would help me find myself, after all, I love the city and the buzz and everything associated with city life, and moving here meant letting go of everything, starting again. I loved that idea. Because I hate my own past. And I've started again so many times it's normal for me. I can reinvent myself each time I move. There's new people and new opportunities, but I feel as if I'm ruining it all again. Going through the same mistakes, building crumbling walls a top those that have crumbled and it's just not working.
I don't know if this is adolescence, or stress, or insanity.
And that scares me.
I'm sorry this week's posts are so depressing.
I have a lot on my mind right now, more than usual and that's unusual because it's hard to get anymore on my mind that what is normally on it already.
I will try and write a song or something happier for the next post.
*feeble attempt at a smile*
We all have times where we say stuff we didn't really mean
I just have more of these times than the average person!
I just have more of these times than the average person!
★ tagboard ★
i think they call it freedom of speech
If I dwelled on the fact weirdness was a bad thing
I'd probably be dead by now.
Eeiyn Natasha's Fantabulous Blog
My Miniscule Book Blog
Nicole's Spectacular Blog
Maxine's Magnificent Blog
Sapphire's Snaffalicious Blog
Sarah's So Awesome Blog
December 2010
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
March 2012
designer DancingSheep
I'd probably be dead by now.
★ links ★
ctrl + left click
Eeiyn Natasha's Fantabulous Blog
My Miniscule Book Blog
Nicole's Spectacular Blog
Maxine's Magnificent Blog
Sapphire's Snaffalicious Blog
Sarah's So Awesome Blog
★ archives ★
watch me waste my life away
December 2010
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
March 2012
★ credits ★
designer DancingSheep
My life's goal
Is to be spontaneous because that's the way I roll
★ SAPPHIRE! ★
★ KENDALL! ★
★ MAXINE! ★
★ DANIELLE! ★
★ CHARLOTTE! ★
★ CAITLIN! ★
★ LAUREN! ★
★ ERIN! ★
★ EEIYN! ★
★ NICOLE! ★
Is to be spontaneous because that's the way I roll
★ SHOUTOUTS ★
even if I don't say ♥ that often
★ SAPPHIRE! ★
★ KENDALL! ★
★ MAXINE! ★
★ DANIELLE! ★
★ CHARLOTTE! ★
★ CAITLIN! ★
★ LAUREN! ★
★ ERIN! ★
★ EEIYN! ★
★ NICOLE! ★