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"You're crazy!"
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★ Why I don't take praise well. ★

Tuesday, June 28, 2011 ( 11:11 PM )

If you've ever tried to compliment me, you would know that I instantaneously turn it down or deny it (unless you've known me in one of my more manic mood swings). I just don't like it when people say nice things to me, I don't know why, but I guess I'm so used to sarcasm and people putting me down that it sounds weird when their not. It makes me feel as if you're mocking me, or just doing it to make me feel better, which I hate. I put myself down to compensate for what people seldom do now, it's weird, but hey I'm a weird person.
I didn't really understand compassion as a kid. Not many people around me knew the meaning of it either, and I was scared of love, and hugs and physical contact and anything that involved pulling me out of my dark hole. I still am scared, of people, of surrounds. If someone has the power to hold me, it gives them the power to break me, and to break my shell would leave me spilling my past out on the floor, which would be a horrible sight for all to see. Why should I say anything? The more I say the more power they have, to use against me.
I guess in giving me a compliment I feel obliged to give something back, a little piece of my soul or something.
Sometimes, the little voice in my head tells me this.
"They think they care, sometimes even you think they care, but they're all the same.
You have to remind yourself sometimes.
Because they don't know, and you're not saying anything."
I don't even understand myself, and to think someone else could is unrealistic.
Actually, I think the title of this post should be "Why I am scared of people".
I'm running off topic.
But anyway, please just understand that I don't take praise well at gym because when I started I had a crazy, psycho (tautology sorry) coach standing over me and barking his head off that I sucked and that he was going to strangle me with a bungy cord if I didn't point my toes (I was 8 for the record), and I don't take praise well from my peers because I never had friends who really cared until Year 6, and I've never let anyone else in since. I've changed very much from then anyway.
Some people think I don't like praise because I set my expectations too high, and then I'm scared of being distracted by praise on the way. I don't know.
I really don't know. But it's just in my nature to deflect every single bit of praise I get.
Don't take offence to it okay?

Just'know that I don't take it well.