Halfway

c r a Z Y

"You're crazy!"
"I know!"

★ Coping. ★

Friday, July 29, 2011 ( 9:17 AM )

My songwriting competition results came, and I am pleased to say that I got nothing, as I was so busy convincing myself that I would. Today, there is no failure, it is simply the end of me convincing myself I had a talent for a short period of time, the hope poured into the act will be torn apart and distributed into some other part of life. I wondered why I didn't spend all the time and energy in gym, or actually studying and doing my English homework, but the lesson is learnt, and I will accept that I really am good at nothing after all.

The question remains however, how fragile am I on the inside? Each one of these events of rejection bring another chance for me to fall apart. And why have I, this time, not had deep feelings of regret and tears? Why am I filled with new self determination? This is most unlike me. I cope merely by directing my energy to another activity, something to get my mind off things. If gym is not going well, I turn to music. If that is not going well, I can focus on activities at school. When nothing goes well, that's when it really falls apart, and the tears fall on the bathroom floor and the sharp objects fall reign into my hands.

My fists are clenched on the keyboard as I pause. I'm angry, but not at myself. At everyone else. I'm not blaming myself for once, well not as much anyway. I'm blaming other people and myself. That's better than blaming it on myself alone. I'm angry at myself for wasting the time where I could have achieved something. I'm angry at myself because I unnecessarily sacrificed test results and assignments putting the wrong thing in front of the others in the priority list. I'm fucking angry 'cos none of this effort was recognised. I caused myself all this stress which could have been avoided. I killed unnecessary brain cells.

Today, I am letting the music choose my mood, I'm in no fit emotional state to feel anything for myself, or else I'll snap and someone will get hurt, probably me though. To make matters worse of course, I am sick, which happens incredibly rarely, and unfortunately at this period of emotional exhaustion. I don't know why I get so worked up over trivial matters. I don't know why I get so worked up at all.

Oh wait, I'm not right in the head!
Duh.