★ profile★

ramblings of a teenage girl

I'm just going to recite this phrase a couple of times on my blog so that I don't forget.
No Running, No Jumping, No High Impact Activity.
No Running, No Jumping, No High Impact Activity.
No Running, No Jumping, No High Impact Activity.
I don't understand, why, my foot is so retarded. I don't feel a great deal of pain, so I'm not sure how reliable this pain guage thing is. I'm not sure if I've just trained myself to ignore the pain, or what, because only if I really think about, yea, I feel some pain, but it's not crippling, and it's not delayed, it's just...there. I mean, it's not like I have some sort of creepy high pain tolerance thing (well, I don't think so), it just doesn't hurt..much.

I'm not sure how to explain it. I don't even see it as "pain" really. I know it's there. I know something is wrong with it, but it isn't really "painful". It's just a niggling thing. I makes it's self known, after all, pain is just in the mind. But I know, it is no where near as painful as it was on the 30th of July, it's nothing even compared to 2 weeks ago. But I can't do anything. And it is frustrating to see everything waste away. It's over. Or is it really?

Maybe ths is what I've been fretting about all this time. This is the cause of the unwanted, snakes writhing in my stomach. This is the stem of dread which planted itself, unbeknownst to me. Wow those were cool metaphors. But perhaps I am misinterpreting the pain? I have no idea.
I don't even know what pain is. Until I remind myself of course -it's like I'm not...ME. I'm blank. I'm a shell. I'm on autopilot. That's how it feels like okay? It's not for anyone, it's not to be 'popular' because if you really know me, you'd know I no longer give a shit.

Digressing...I do have a slight addiction to exersice. But it's ever so slight, I couldn't possibly call it an addiction. I just have to keep moving, keep doing something. Being cold helps burn calories! Not sure where that came from. But there's that weird feeling, when enough is never enough...sometimes I don't have limits, or maybe forget I possess them.

I'm so confused. I end so many of my posts with confusion these days. I'm getting no where. And time is slipping through my fingers...too much ABBA/Mamma Mia.

Ah Well.


I'm busying myself on little things. I'm actually doing my homework, I'm reading, I'm not spending unnecessary time on the internet (blogging is NOT wasting time!), I just did the dishes, but it's not some sort of sudden personality change, and I'm not trying to get my parents to buy me something new and flash, for some strange reason, I'm doing it for my own sake.
Not to benefit from everything, I'm trying to distract myself. I'm an active relaxer, which must be why when I do nothing I feel more depressed. Things I can do absent mindedly whilst thinking at the same time; like dishes are good for me convincing myself that I'll do something else later; like practise that piano accompaniment I really need to work on, even if don't do it in the end. The psychological thing keeps me going. Other things like Romeo and Juliet help me blank out completely, and it makes me feel as if I've done something productive. There's a nagging part of my conscience that is telling me I have to do some good deeds to erase all the crap I've just laid in front of me.
I'm listenin to ABBA for God's sake. It's like a hippie soul cleansing thing?!
At least I haven't started meditating or anything.
I feel so weird. And yet there's new self determination, from where? I don't know. But there's a spark. And I going to burn out? Am I going to burn at all?
Why? Why now?

All I know, is that I'm blocking out something dreadful. That's why I feel so queasy all the time. That's why I'm desperately trying to blank it out, trying to distract myself...the only problem is, I don't know what my mind is hiding from me. I don't know why, or how, or when, or whatever but the nagging feeling is there. It creeps me out. I don't know my own mind?!

creeeeeeeeepy...


I am so good at losing things, it is uncanny. I'm probably one of those people who would lose their heads if they weren't attached to their bodies. I've lost my watch (my old one, to this day, it is still missing), I've lost my phone, one of my iPods, my mind, etc. It's just not cool. I suppose the state of my room isn't helping. My room could be a health hazard, I must just be a messy person. But that's contradictory, because there are some things where I am a complete perfectionist freak, and everything has to be neat and tidy and exact. It just depends I suppose. I hate the feeling of uncertainty and then desperation when you loose something. At first it's mild, just a little panicking when you realise it's missing, then as you start looking, and as you fail more and more and then you get desperate...
Yea, I'm like that.

And right now, I am yet to find my iPod, my phone charger, my sister's overdue library book (it was APPARENTLY by my side of the room/my bed which supposedly gives me the blame that it is missing. Oh well. But after my rant on losing things I guess it is highly plausible), my hand guards are also currently missing, as is my knife, and my business studies homework...

All this losing stuff is unnecessary stress! And I'm worrying about more things than I need be. But then again, focusing on the little things helps me avoid the big picture. Just quoting that from the last post.

:P


It's my new competition number. I know it doesn't really matter what number it is (yea, it's just a number) but I have taken an instant dislike. It's stupid, and trivial but it's getting the better of me. I can't find anything to like about it. 19 is my favourite number, and my last number was 3192, and the number I picked before was 1509 so they were okay, but I can't make 19 out of 1563.
I'm trying all sorts of retarded things.
Adding up the digits.
1+5+6+3=15
Adding up random combinations of the digits.
156/3=52
Adding up the differences of the digits.
5-1=4
6-5=1
6-3=3
4+1+3=8
Using the differences of the digits.
(4+1)x3=15
Mixing and matching operations.
(-1+5)x6-3=4x6-3=21
(1+5+6)/3=12/3=4
etc.

The annoying thing is that 19 is a prime number, so the only way I can get there is if I add things/minus things together after multiplying/dividing them.
But, I could mix up the numbers a little, so they don't have to be in thr order 1563, they could become 1635, cos I could make that into 195 ([1]6+3[5]) but then I suppose I could do that with 1563 because then it'd become 159...

I'm dwelling on all the little things so I can avoid the big picture. Like how I might not qualify to nationals this year. And it just makes me think of all the times when I missed out before. Because I was too crap to go. I've competed for 7 freakin' years and I've only been once. I'm such a failure.
Not to mention it was probably one of the worse situations I put myself in.
And so many things went wrong, like always.

I am frustrated, at myself.
It's the fact that every thinks I should be good. Yea, to the average person, I can go upside down without seeing stars. But in truth, in black and white, I suck.
And you can loose all respect for me, because I have no talent, I'm not good at music, I'm not good at gym, I'm not smart, I'm just nothing.

Yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Because I'm nothing. I should have listened more back then when my coaches and the people around me told me everyday. Why am I trying? What am I living for?
There is a time, after you've been told you're not worth it so many times over, that you decide to believe it's true. And when that happens, then you are not worth it. You are nothing. You cease to believe you are anything more than people think. You ceast to exist. You are nothing.
I am nothing.
After a while, after people start giving up on you, you give up on yourself.

I'm not depressed, I'm just confused and frustrated and regressing in everything. Unravelling. Yea, I'm losing it.
Why does everything have to be so hard?
Why does life have to run the lines in the opposite direction of my own?
I have too much to say, it's running all over my head.
And not to mention my head hurts when I swallow. It's odd.
Oh I'm over this.

Please help me.



My mouth has a mind of it's own. It's totally disconnected from my brain, but it eavesdrops on whatever is going on in there, then decides to tell the whole world what shouldn't have been told.
I swear anything that comes out of my mouth will ruin everything.
And sometimes even what doesn't come out of my mind can eat away at me because it should have been told. The things people needed to know, the words I locked up for innocent crimes and the fugitives I let escape. Words that fester and burn through the linings of the walls I put up and painted.

Too many of those words have almost made it through.
Why am I writing so metaphorically?!
It's killing me.
Lots of things are killing me at the moment.
Ah.
That's life.
C'est la vie.

These words are echoing down the corridors I walk. I creeps me out. They must be my new motto. (If you've ever seen me muttering words under my breath, they could be one of two things, A. I'm annoyed at you and swearing under my breath, B. I'm chanting my daily motto...it changes everyday, and no, I am not a witch).

"I'm a writer, a lone wolf," Mamma Mia, why are you doing this to me? What's a writer? An artist no doubt, but over shadowed by the dramas of social media? Sometimes, fate has a way of nagging you over.

And the philosophical thinking is coming back.
Crap.



Am I even young enough to still be going through growing pains?! It's the most annoying thing ever, but I suppose since they only started when I was 11...3 years?!
What's the average?
Oh stuff the average, it never works for me anyway. I'm not average, no, no, far from there. Well, at least my foot isn't throbbing for once.
Xray is tomorrow, it has got to be good news. I can do pain. But I can't do failure. Well, depends.
I've written about 7 draft posts in the last 3 days, but I haven't felt the need to post them. You know I don't post for the sake of posting, so don't complain if there isn't a post here everyday!

=.=

Oh and I've written 3 songs all of a sudden.
And read up to The Sleepwalker (9th book). Except that I don't have the 1oth book so I can't do anything. I feel useless again. Even though I did 2 hours of Romeo and Juliet homework. My mother was freaking out. She checked if she'd won the lottery haha.
I'm freaking out.
This sucks.
14 year-old-ness is hell.



Shining or Sparkling. Radiating Brilliance. Gifted or Excitingly Clever.

I love this word. It's sharp on the tongue. It looks weird. It's eccentric. It doesn't contain any 'e's making it unusual and uncommon. It's what I see as a tall word. Words that have many 'tall' letters like 'l' and 't' and 'i'. It's mildly symmetrical. The 'y' hands over the edge/bottom whereas the 'S' at the beginning hangs over the top, so if you turned it upside down it would have a similar shape.
See how I analyse things?
This is just one word that made itself present in 2 different novels I read in a short period of time. Now imagine analysing everyone that looks weird. Or interesting. Or comes up in places you'd never think it'd belong. Now imagine analysing every font, every space, every punctuation mark.

The fact that I read so fast and analyse so many things at once is quite amazing. I can't just leave things be. Reading is actually an exhausting task for me. I don;t just absorb the story. There's way more to it that just the storyline. That's why I have to often reread books a couple of times to finish analysing things the whole way. I observe the way the chapters are laid out, the shape of the book, the cover, the wear and tear (if it's a library book), whether the page numbers at in the middle or the corner or at the top or bottom, I observe if the author's name is largely featured on the cover or if it is printed small for no one to see. I observe if the blurb is on the back or on the inside cover. I observe how long the publishing credits are. I observe who the book is dedicated to. Books are so interesting!

But it's not just books I analyse. It's everything. It's life. It's everything that could go wrong, not everything that could go right. I'm getting the "You're so negative!" talk again. But I can't help it! I really just automatically see everything bad. I see mistakes. I criticise on autopilot. There are no rose tinted glasses for me. Everything is more black and white. And anything vaguely grey is counted as black.

Think about drawing a black dot on a blank piece of paper. What would you see? Just black dot right? So now imagine that black dot is one mistake. People are only going to see your flaws. That's what they taught me in primary school. And I commented that my piece of paper would be more like a black piece of paper with occasional white splotches.
In this context, I see my life as a stack of paper. Every time I move, I get a new chance to start over. I get a new piece of paper to put over the top. And over time, I add my own black dots, with a pen that goes through all the pages that have been there before. And slowly, over time, the piece of paper disintegrates. People near me rip it to shreds, and you see everything, and all that is left is a black piece of paper, covered with little black dots. My job is to try and laminate that blank piece of paper before it disappears, so no one will ever know what's underneath.

I'm not doing a very good job.

Anyway, see how I put things into a completely unrelated situations?!
One of my favourite models to use is the tree.
But I'll cover it next time.
We are digressing from the topic, although the topic never really has anything to do with it.
I'm not sure how that works though!
Now I'm confused.
More on Tree models in the near future.
Stick around for more action!



Nunchuks. That's my new swear word.
I think that my swearing is getting out of hand. If I don't stop soon, it's gonna take control, like some other things already have.
My word used to be 'random'. I said random to everything, if something was good, I'd say 'Random!' if something sucked, I'd say 'Random!' I reckon if someone had died I would have still said 'Random!'
After that, I moved to fudgemania and hallelujah. They're two seperate stages actually, but I can't be bothered going into detail. I didn't really start swearing til high school, well, I said shit and stuff but not like in every sentence. Hmmm, well maybe...
Nunchuks.

Anyway, my left hand writing is getting better! I can vaguely draw a circle with my left hand! And it's only been 3 days! Maybe in 2 weeks my handwriting might be readable! It could definately be genetic, writing and doing things with the other hand isn't actually very difficult. It takes a little effort, but once you get going it's easy as pie.

Lately I have had this ever present feeling of dread living in my stomach. Usually I can shake it off, but no matter how hard I try to ignore it, I can't smoulder and forget. It's bugging me.
And the dreams are too. It's all recking havoc with my sleep. I wake up tired, which kinda defeats the purpose of sleep in the first place.
They're so vivid. Playing with my mind.
It's really creeping me out!
And there's that feeling that I want to say something but I can;t remeber. I feel anxious all the time for no reason. Are these the faults of the hormones?!
I swear I'm gonna murder them all!

NUNCHUKS!!!




I really enjoy sitting next to judges that completely ignore me, except to give me the deductions they've picked out of the routine a poor girl has just killed herself over. It is extremely entertaining, my lips have suffered from me having to bite them so I won't die of laughter. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from laughing when you catch funny bits of someone else's conversation? Especially when those people are supposed to be mature and grown up role models.
Well, takes one to know one.
Although every time I go back to what happened I almost die of laughter again.
Okay, so after 5 sessions of recording/score holding I have absorbed an amazing amount of information. I've also noticed today, that BOTH my coaches are left handed. Wow. What are the odds of that?
Thanks to my selective hearing, I have enough knowledge to keep me pondering over for 2 weeks. Now is the time to sort out which information to keep to myself, what to ponder over, what to write down so I will never forget and what to blurt out to everyone I can get to listen.

I'm laughing to myself again.

Some people whom I'd never though would have a sick sense of humour actually have incredibly dirty minds. INCREDIBLY dirty minds. This will be one of the things I keep to myself to secretly laugh over.
I mean, who uses swear words on 7-8 year olds?!
Away from that though...
Politics, Politics, Politics.
Well, you can't expect much can you? I think all these people would have had very successful careers in politics should they have wished to go down that road. I think all of us would have had good jobs as politicians. Ew. Politicians. It's every man for himself out there. But more every woman for herself.
And lots of complaining. Gym people are fantastic complainers. Like that McDonalds ad that claims that complainers make the world a better place. Pah. That's probably where I got that skill!
I'm wondering if it was actually intended for me to listen to all the complaining. Seeing as I've only been in north island gymnastics for a little over a term, this is a very good insight into how (not) different it is. This is where the similarities become strangely comforting. Well, club bias is definitely a national thing hahaha.
Anyway, listening to judge gossip, I must have been (although I've always known) that kid, the judges commented, like "OMG what the hell is she still doing here? She has pretty much no potential, I wish that other kid carried on instead of her. Look at how fat she is! She's not going to go very far is she?" Oh well. It's a jungle out there.
There are times where I wonder, why choose to compete in the first place? It's like we're putting ourselves in a position to get put down. Well I was, since I was shit from the very beginning. No potential whatsoever. None. Nothing. Zilch.
Hey Look! I'm demoralising myself again!

Must be entertaining for you readers.
Anyways, I'm getting pains up my knees, which is impossibly retarded. I've been sitting down the entire freakin' day! My knees never hurt! That's practically the only part of me that isn't faulty!
I'm going to pray that it's growing pains and get on with it. I think if I was allowed to take pain killers I'd have become a serious abuser of panadol by now. Well that's me. Pushing the boundaries.

I'm glad my eavesdropping skills have come in handy. I suppose I shouldn't really be advertising it on my blog, but since I've been to listening to everything and everything for the last 7 years, I don't suppose it makes a difference. And don't think you can hide anything from me, because I always find a way...
I'm a teenager for god's sake!
Ah well. Curiosity killed the cat right?
Well, I must be heading that way too.

Sometimes, a little can go a long way.
I feel flusteredly unproductive about receiving subtle compliments. Maybe that's the best way to get to me because then I can't turn it down. It's killing me.
Because for once in my life, I feel good.
I can't live like this! I thrive on sadism!
Haha...maybe.
(I might have Sadistic Personality Disorder! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadistic_personality_disorder)

Anyways, the events of the past week have balanced out at last.
I went to a party on Friday! First in...a long time lets just say.
I even though I was freakin' out at the prospect of having to socialise, I can say I actually enjoyed myself.
BY THE WAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLOTTE FOR TOMORROW!
She took us out to this Mongolian buffet place, and I feel so bad and fat after the amount of food I consumed. I can assure you everyone at the party was appalled also. I ate...2 main courses, ice-cream, soup and about 25+ pieces of garlic bread (give or take, I suggest you give, generously, I ate so much garlic bread...I will never eat it again! Not for another 2 weeks). And I made a fool of myself in Singstar/Rockband (I almost threw up garlic bread over the mic), and then we played Blackops to bring out the violence haha I like violent games...

Of course, I couldn't enjoy myself too much because my mother threw a spaz (as expected) when I came back late. I don't know what her problem is, I don't come back from school on time, I don't even come home from gym on time either but when I come home from this not on time she throws a spaz. I even texted her!
She's gotta learn there's no time gauge on these things.

Today was pretty awesome too.
I'm still having weird dreams. I got up at 5.30am for some reason, and bolted stright up right for no apparent reason. So while arguing with my inner voices on whether I should stay awake until 7.00am or go to sleep and try to go straight back to sleep and try wake up on time. Both solutions failed (which means they weren't really solutions at all) and while I tried to stay awake, I somehow reverted back into a weird dream where I was listening to my iPod in the car and then the cover came off (which is really impossible, because it has no cover) and I got electrocuted so bad (which is also impossible because iPOds run on battery power). When I woke up, the side of my right hand was stinging, from touching the iPod in my dream. I thought that was kinda weird.
I got up at 7.45am and it was a mad scramble to get to the gym on time.

Oh well. I got to hang out at the gym to supposedly 'help' with the competition, which was really entertaining.
I learnt many things...
A. I hate judging and most things associated with it.
B. Coffee machines scare me when they make funny noises
C. I'm unco with computer programs and making sure the recording sheet (where the scores go) is tidy, which meant no gold star for neatness...dun dun dun!
D. I find it amusing when I get yelled at because I instantly forgot the deduction numbers (it's not that I wasn't listening, I just forgot...I'm like that okay!?)
E. I'm old enough to do something with my life (okay, so I didn't realise this one, but I discussed temporary options)
F. Someone I didn't know was gay, turned out to be gay (gah, and from a backfired joke too!)...um yea lets just leave this one
G. I'm so used to acupuncture, I didn't even realise when the guy put the needles in

Wow! What a productive day! And I got to interact with my awesome gym buddies hehehe.

The best part however, is that I get to do it again tomorrow!

I feel optimistic on life for no apparent reason.
And I found this cool wiki page on personality disorders.
And I'm on my third book for the day!
Being productive is good :P


In gymnastics, they always tell you to push yourself. They tell you to do it for yourself, and not for the coach. They tell you that everything you do will make you stronger. It's better for you.
In every situation where girls cry, in stretching and conditioning, those phrases are there to help us get throught.
But there's something wrong with me.
Because I don't believe that.
I believe that I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. So I put my trust and work into something else. Something human. Big Mistake.
And God help me, that should never happen again.
People sometimes take things the wrong way. I'm not hardworking. But if I can focus on one thing really hard then I can forget about everything else for once.
It is really hard for me without an obvious distraction. I only go for skills if the need to get away from everything else escalates. Right now, the spare time, the lack of distraction, the lack of socialising is really getting the better of me.
I knew it could go one of 2 ways.
Unnaturally happy, or unnaturally sad. Reserved. Or too much.
Wanna guess which dive I took?


And I hate being controlled by my parents.
I am not 5 years old, or 10 years old anymore. When I was 12, my mum sent me out to get some buttermilk and my dad STALKED me all the way to the supermarket. What the hell is with all the paranoia?! I can take care of myself. I'm not a freakin' little girl.
I'm 14 YEARS OLD!!!
My mother reads all my emails, text messages and anythign else she can get her hands on. Just the other day, she accused me of being lez because I always say other people are pretty. What the hell man. My dad gave me a weird look when I laughed at my phone saying "That's so cute!" when my friend unexpectedly texted me a get well message.
I hate this, I hate being controlled and not allowed to have anything to myself.
Except for this blog of course.
It's a miracle it's still secret.
For now.


For a completely unproductive night of resting, I have to say that I feel strangely energised. I had about 3 pockets of sleep, 1 hour at a time (that make 3 hours in total). In the middle one, I dreamt something I can't remember, but it was one of those dreams that leave you with a funny feeling you know? These external feelings are scaring me.

It was also incredibly cold last night. So much that any movement you make involving your body touching a new part of the duvet was uncomfortable because it's freezing cold. So, after pocket number one of sleep, (it was 2.35am) there was a lot of frantic moving/shuffling and trying to keep warm. In the end, I settled into lying on my back, the supposedly conventional way for sleeping. Next thing you know, all my pillows were on the floor and so was the duvet and it was 3.50am.

I wonder how much I sleep talked during that time. Oh yes, I do sleep talk. I reckon it's because I have too much to say that I haven't said during the day. And I think it heightens when I'm stressed. I don't think I'm stressed now, but who knows?
At Nationals last year, apparently I sat up and full out yelled at some random in my dream (at the motel...awkward). My mum thought I was possessed. I didn't remember anything.
Apparently I've sung some stuff in my sleep too. This is why I can never get a partner hahaha.

Anyway, at 4.00am in the morning, it was COLD COLD COLD and some of my sisters were shuffling around too (I share a room with my 3 sisters, yes one room with 4 of us). This last pocket of 'sleep' was really just me going in and out of consciousness and thinking about random stuff. My stupid phone alarm went off at 6.00am and that was when I felt ready to go to bed. How unfortunate.

And today, I still don't feel right. Everything is still surreal.
Maybe it's the cold?
But it's probably just me.

...


Today has been a day of all sorts!
First of all, I'm going to (maybe too soon) say that I am putting away the philosophical thinking for a while and heading into 'recount' blogging.
Well, I had a weird day. Lots of contributing factors.
It kinda started last night, when my mum told me not to play Lady Gaga music (I was playing Katy Perry at FULL BLAST!)  'cos apparently she is The Devil (according to some BS forward she got). I don't know and I don't believe it, it sounds like some sort of religious cult to me (from looking at the email), but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Plus, when I got into bed, it was freezing which meant it was hard to get to bed. So when I finally did, I had the weirdest dream. I rarely ever dream, but when I do, it's very bright and lucid and extravagant.
Here's what happened...I dreamt that I was in the secret service along with my partner who in real life (and in the dream) is a five year old guy with aspergers, so a crazy, fun-loving Asian kid with no boundaries. Anyway, we were told to ransack a car yard, but we ended up hijacking this really flash black BMW which seemed to have between 2-5 seats in the dream (I couldn't tell, it must not have been important). For some reason, I let the 5 year old drive, and even though we made it to the destination in one piece, I even found safety goggles in the back to stop broken glass from killing our eyes. Anyway, he drove us to this massive building, which was a warehouse type looking thing on the whole, but the one side we drove to was pastel yellow, with plaster stipple, and it had two doors in the middle. It was HUGE! With measly doors which were very out of place. We headed for the one on the right, but then the other door (which was identical) burst open and my friend Saasha and her mum told us to get inside because their door had extra security precautions. Once I got inside, I had this feeling I'd seen the place before, like in another dream maybe, it was really intense. It had lots of black stained metal, which was twisted into intricate shapes and a waterfall on the outside with moss and a mini garden, like in those Japan documentaries you see on TV. Anyway, next thing you know I was lying in bed, It felt like I was in my own bed, in my own room with a different surrounding, because I could feel all my sister in the same places. In my dream, I had a dream that my coach was on the news for saving some environmental species. It was strange, because the pictures I saw on TV would turn up later on in my dream. Suddenly, I felt cold fingernails in my neck and someone poking me in the ribs, but I also got that um smell? That someone I knew was there, and then what do you know it was my old awesome gym coach, Anna! She gave me a hug, and I hugged her back, it was a very vivid moment in the dream that she was over my bed and hugging me...at that point I could sorta feel my old gym mates were around my bed, sleeping, like it was a slumber party or something. Then Anna quickly pulled away, told me she was going trekking with her husband and walked out the door, which was identical to my room door except that it was made of the weird intricately twisted black metal, (like those decoration gates you get in Singapore). Feeling rejected, I jumped out of bed, presumably onto one of my gym friends, but once I touched them, they sort of faded out of the dream. I followed Anna through the gate and when I got out, I was in my Auntie's house in Singapore. I asked her if she'd seen my coach but she said no, so I turned around and caught sight of the TV, which was replaying the same 'enviromental' images. So I remembered that she was going trekking and then as I walked closer to the TV, the images started merging into real life and I was in a forest, with Anna and her husband some 10 metres in front of me. I started following them and then when I caught up, they were at a bridge, with the same waterfall at the house I stayed in the night before and then were about to cross. However, there was some distance between them, with her husband about 3 metres in front of her on the bridge (which was 10 metres approx.). For some reason the bridge fell away, so they were separated, and he hit his head, at which I yelled 'ANNA!' and she turned around with a look of horror on her face. I jumped across to rescue him, but then I saw he was rabid, and something told me he was no longer human. In between his insane moments though, he smiled and said 'let go' and then he faded away like other people in my dream. I turned back to Anna and she had this amazing peaceful expression upon her face. For some reason, everything stared to get blurry, but this time, I was back into Anna's side, and she was hugging me (again?!) and then I couldn't see her face or anything, because it was so blurry, but she put her hand on my forehead and said 'remember'.
And that's all I can remember. It was so odd, I didn't wake up with a start, in fact I gained consciousness slowly, but I knew I was back in my bed, as if I hadn't been there before. It was so strange.
And the rest of the day, I've had this odd feeling of surreality. Very very strange.
I cant stop thinking about it and all the strange emotions it provoked. And I realised how much I missed my gym coach. I have never missed a gym coach before. I've never even had a decent relationship with a coach, But this is different. I don't even know what it is.

Anyway, when my body finally registered it was time to get up, it was freezing cold still. Sharp pains were running up my neck and everything protested when I tried to lift the duvet off, it was just too cold! As a result, I ended up feeling lethargic from lying in bed for too long.
My foot was sore for a bit this morning, just morning soreness, I dismissed it as. I was planning to go to gym, but I still had to text my friend to pick me up so I made a mental note.

Mum had baked cheese muffins for breakfast, it was nice to have something warm. I had, 2 cheese muffins (one with chocolate chips), pizza bread, grilled cheese and half a sausage. I ate a lot. I swear I eat more when I don;t go to gym, which is unhealthy because then I'll die of obesity.

Anyway, because it was Wednesday, I had a late start for school (9.20am instead of 8.40am!) so I killed time and pranced around unproductively until somehow I ended up being late and rushing around to get lunch etc.
My phone was in my pocket when I got into the car, but we were running late (my brother end up being late for kindergarten) so he made me get off at the traffic lights (ILLEGALLY!!!) As a result, I forgot to check if my phone was still there and had to go off without my phone for the rest of the day, which only made me constantly worry about if I was getting picked up by my friend at gym because I FORGOT TO TEXT HER!

I worried through period 1-5 (which is the whole day). I worried about my English assignment because no body had done anything and yet I had to do all the formatting without even getting the articles from the people in my group! To make matters worse, my awesome friend Charlotte wasn't there to accompany me and bark at me for not asking my mum if I could go to her birthday party, which made me feel guilty on my half and I almost did something dumb, but then I didn't because I still felt as if I was in dream land. P.E. was the weirdest, for some strange reason I decided to do my hair in PIGTAILS?! and we wasted time outside playing on the stair rail.

After school...I waited for my friend to see if she'd drive past the school so I could flag her down like a taxi. Unlucky me. Seems like waiting 40 minutes in the cold was in vain. I hate it when I forget my phone. As a result I had to go to the student admin to make a phone call to my mum asking her to tell my dad I wasn't going to be at gym and to see if my phone was at home. It was only supposed to cost 20cents but I only had a 50cent coin and I don't think the office lady realised the size diff and though my 50cent coin was a 20cent coin. I was too chicken to ask for change.

Anyway, so I began the long trek home. The school was so barren, it was hard to imagine that 1 hour ago it was buzzing with life. The overcast sky reverted me back into my dreamland and I must have started hallucinating at some point on the way to the bus stop because the sky was suddenly purple and I was standing back by the waterfall, and the sky turned into paua shells and then I was at St. Marks road. I was kinda shocked, and kinda not because I still felt weird.

I think it was a good idea that I didn't go to gym today.
(and I have not been taking drugs for those who think I am on hallucinates)

Anyway, the bus took it's time. I waited out there (in the cold) for 20 minutes before it arrived. the atmosphere on the 3.30 bus is always chirping with guys texting and everyone eager to get home but the 4.10 bus definitely suited my mind. It was sullen, filled with those who had stayed back at school to study, after school detention goers and those who had missed the bus before. I was just the random from E.G.G.S. wearing her hair in pigtails with a beanie over top.

Anyway, I got home in one piece, and headed home. Mum was baking again. And I wanted to get on with my homework and maybe do something productive for once, but I couldn't without my phone (which I found out was in the car). I felt so stupid.

I made some phone calls to packaging companies for my Business Studies Marketing Project and after 2 rejections, I finally snapped out of my dreamland state. My God it felt good!
After my shower I felt better.
Anyway, I'm kinda scared to go back into bed because of the weird dreams.
And I realised that I have avoided my iPod the whole day.
My mother has really engraved the Lady Gaga thing into my head. It's scaring me.
Okay. It's going to be a sleepless night.
No sleeping = No dreams

Hopefully I'm in a right state of mind tomorrow.

Okay, so in my lonely world of me and my ipod, I have to say that I no longer care about the art of the music. Personally, as long as it's catchy enough to keep me hyper or deep enough to keep me depressed, I'm happy. I'm sure everyone has opinions on music, but I don't care, repeating I DON'T CARE!

I have weird music, but who cares? As long as I can get the music onto my iPod, it'll be there. I have an odd combination of Taylor Swift (YES! TAYLOR SWIFT! GIVE THE COMPUTER DIRTY LOOKS ALL YOU WANT!!!), Michael Jackson (I don't care if you think he's a pedo!), [soon to be]Adelle (you think she's fat I'll punch you through the computer screen), plus all the streamed stuff.

Also, when I listen to everything, I have songs that immediately remind me of certain people. Here's what I've compiled...
(WARNING! It's along list, if you wish to find your name, use 'ctrl+f')
In no particular order:
Animal (Neon Trees)- Jorja G
Only Girl (in the world- Rihanna)- Cecilia T
Forever and Always (Taylor Swift)- My Awesome Sister Tash L
ABC (MJ)- Mrs Jenson
Nobody's Perfect (Jessie J)- Amy
Love Story (Taylor Swift)- Olivia S
Billie Jean (MJ)- Ms. Lennon
Fernando (ABBA)- Mrs Prtichard
Gimme Gimme Gimme (A man after Midnight- ABBA)- Olivia J
Our Song (Taylor Swift)- My Awesome Sister Clare
Telephone (Lady Gaga)- Charlotte D
Fearless (Taylor Swift)- Hannah P/Nicole L
Who am I living For (Katy Perry)- Gabby L
Just Dance (Lady Gaga)- Emma W
The Climb (Miley Cyrus)- Olivia G
Earth Song (MJ)- Laura O
Neutron Star Collison (Love is Forever)- Katy B
Teenage Dream (Katy Perry)- Evie Lavery
Innocent (Taylor Swift)- Danielle H
Girls and Boys (Blur)- Esther L
Bad Romance (Lady Gaga)- Rosy M
Daydream Beliver (Monkees)- Hannah P
If I had you (Adam Lambert)- Rosie G
Circle the Drain (Katy Perry)- Charlise KW
Total Eclipse of the heart (Glee cast)- All Gleeks, including Meghan D, Bronte EP, Anna P
Wanna be Strting something (MJ)- Anna P
E.T. (Katy Perry)- Rebecca R
Mean (Taylor Swift)- Maria WB
Thriller (MJ)- Hannah P
S.O.S. (ABBA)- Ruth P
Speak Now (Taylor Swift) - Ella S
We speak no Americano- Kelsi L
Money Money Money (ABBA)- Bree T
Picture to Burn (Taylor Swift)- Katherine S
Smooth Criminal (MJ)- Jozsi F
Rockin' Robin- Rebecca (Becky) M
Remeber the time (MJ)- Dani and Jorja/Hansel and Gretel (lol)
Canon in D (Pachebel)- MUX
Unravel (Me)- Maria WB
Bad (MJ)- Val
MR Wendel (Arrested Development)- Tannock B, Lachy W, Carlos GK
Blame it on the Boogie (MJ)- Amelia C
Haunted (acoustic version, Taylor Swift)- 10KR
Do it like a Dude (Jessie J)- Carla D and Lauren I
Memories (David Guetta)- Katherine from Interior and Ange M
Black or White (MJ)- Lauren and the rest of us from Westburn (Room 2 and 3 2008)
Take a Chance on me (ABBA)- Kodai
Grenade (Bruno Mars)- Uncle J
Man in the Mirror (MJ)- Shane H and Jeremy M
Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F. Katy Perry)- Kate C
Super Trouper (ABBA)- Media Team
Human Nature (MJ)- Maxine C
Dancing Queen (ABBA)- Mr Ward
Sparks Fly (Taylor Swift)- Coral H
We R who we R (Kesha)- Britta
They don';t really care about us (MJ)- My darling lil bro
Crazy Frog (Axel F)- Ilam School
Rock with you (MJ)- Ms. Sood
The Best Day (Taylor Swift)- Hannah B
White Horse (Taylor Swift)- Nicole Lok
Secrets (One Republic)- Charlotte C
Dance in the Dark (Lady Gaga)- Emma C
California Girls (Katy Perry)- Ruth P and Bronte EP
Here is my Witness (Kristin Macdonald)- Rosa E
What the Hell- Morgan M
Beat It (MJ)- Meghan D and Mr. Patrick
Hey Stephen (Taylor Swift)- Ayla M

I might edit it all later. Sorry if your name isn't there! I still love you!
(I JUST USED LOVE INSTEAD OF HATE!!! OMG!!!)
It was a hit and run thing, the first person I though for a particular song (these aren't all the songs!) and also, they're not all in the same level, some songs have such a string feeling sttached to them, I can't listen to term without hyperventilating if something's gone wrong in real life. Some of them it was just a slight reminder or feeling. I think I have synthesesia, which is pretty cool. A POSITIVE MENTAL DISORDER!!! WHAT AM I COMING TO?!
And to finish it off, cos I'm feelin' happy today...here's the awesome Jon Cozart.



Some people are just so composed, so controlled, poised, perfect.
I'm not like that. I'm unpredictable, I can go high on air if I wish, I'm immature, people don't like me unless I try. When I was 11, I was turned down al the leadership positions I applied for, and when they tried to compensate by 'inventing' one for my sake, I rebelled. I made a fool of myself, but that is one priviledge I don't regret abusing.
If you didn't think I was ready, that I was mature, then I proved you right.
Happy to be at service...not.

I can't control myself most of the time. Everything I do is so impulse controlled, some sort of sick instinct that controls my compulsively disgusting behaviour.
I don't like it. I'm not happy with myself.

Maybe the true maturity comes from being able to hide it and pretend nothing is happening.


Cold wind whips like anything. It stings like hell,
but I love it anyway.
It makes my hands cold and stiff, the way I like it.
The sky was so clear this morning, and the air so sharp,
Ahh, winter.

Sometimes being uncomfortable is a good reminder that I'm supposed to be doing something productive, and that there are things stopping me.
It's not all fun and games.
Of course, that is what pain is for.
I'm no adrenaline junkie, no way!
Although I am a little crazy.
And sometimes I feel the need to put myself in uncomfortable situations.
Anyway, if you get too comfortable, you'll be less willing to move, and get up, and that's when things go slooooooooow.
And it's hard to get going again.
I gotta get some momentum.
Keeping up? I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I'm sitting here in music extension, blogging, because I've finished my composition (the composing part) and we have a substitute teacher/reliever (whatever you call it).
Oh and for some strange reason, I'm listening to Selena Gomez.

Insanity calls.



Undescribable.
[Or is it indescribable? I can't have incorrect grammar on my blog!!!]

I can't comprehend, how useless words actually are. Words fail me so may times, they should be fired for being unreliable. (Oh, and just saying here, English is my first language!) Sometimes they describe things really well, and a single word summons raw emotion from the soul...dun dun dun! But other times, even 10000 words wouldn't capture what you've seen or what you have to say.

There are other ways to express yourself, that's what the arts are for.
Music, drawing, whatever.
But sometimes, they all fail.

And that's how I feel right now.

I wave my white flag in surrender.

I'm sorry the bond was broken, if there was ever a bond in the first place.
Somethings are explainable, but of course, only if one is willing to listen.
I take comfort in the fact that one goes around comes around.
Karma hurts.

But I forgive you if there was anything to forgive.
Stay Human :/



To me, life is like teetering through a massive field with deep dark holes, and trying not to fall into any of them. It's not like trying to climb the highest mountain, or trying to get to the top, it's trying not to fall any lower than I already have so far.

I'm searching for an imaginary stair case, or ladder, or some sort of climbing device (a rope maybe?) to get higher up, but it never seems to make it's self present. One by one, the people around me manage to get up when I'm not looking, waving down from the sky above.

And right now, when I'm preparing for a career path, there's a couple of dozen ropes dangling in front of my face, and I don't know which on to choose. Arts? Science? Literacy?
So I ask you now my fellow blog readers, to leave some interesting career options in the cbox or comment because I am well and truly stuck. I won't take your word for it, but I need some ideas.

:P
Thank you!

Smilies, are those things that you put in chat boxes, eg. :) or :( to potray some sort of emotion. But why are they called smilies? A face like [D:] is obviously not smiling. But I suppose if they were called smilies and frownies it would be kinda confusing. Some chat boxes call them emoticons, like in Skype. I think that is a much better name.

Now this is what happens when I don't go to gym...
(although it is Sunday, so maybe it's just my overall insanity)



I'll swear under my breath, mutter crude remarks about your social life and stick my tongue out when you're not looking. I'll turn around, walk away and roll my eyes.
I'll pull the finger and call upon the guidance of the lowest form of wit.

In other words, I'm not doing anything productive.
I'm good at that, moping...I wonder if there's a job that requires that as a skill. I should put it on my resume. I have no other skills anyway.

*sigh*

You know when people give you that look?
Either, a blank stare like you're speaking another language, the mocking look like nothing you're saying is for real or something, or the 'I don't give a shit about you' face, with is self explanatory.
I think those might be the only faces people use on me.
I might give up speaking at school to avoid those.

I think we all have days when time flies and then we have days when we can't stop looking at the clock. Sometimes the numbers just don't fit.
Time is supposed to heal. Everything. Time doesn't exist in my mind, so how can it heal? How can it erase the past? I think when I remember things, it's in snapshots or 'shorts'. Not necessarily in the right order, but it's still clear as day. I get the time mucked up. Sometimes I pretend to forget stuff, play dumb to avoid having to dig up the past. It sucks. I don't feel good about it, but those are my mind's natural defences.
Time, right now, is going as slow as ever. I've nothing to do. I'm supposed to rest because my foot is stuffed up. Rest?! What does that even mean? I am going to get so hyperactive in this next week, or maybe really depressed. Lets see where the scales tip.
Too much spare time is something that does not benefit me. I think, far too much already with little spare time, so with an extra 20 hours or so on my hands (16 hours training+transport time getting there and back, I can count!) I'm think I'm going to write, I might start writing a novel. (thanks to all the authors who came to visit Epsom Girls' Grammar School for the inspiration!)
Time management, is also a skill which I don't have. I get homework with deadlines set 4 weeks later, but I'll still be working the night before. It's bad. But the random stress benefits me in a way, I still manage to churn up reasonably good projects, reasonably...okay so they're crap. I could do so much better if I'd planned out everything in advanced, if I were organised.

I don't know.
I just gotta hope time is on my side.


There are quirky habits I look out for when I observe people. I really like it when people have spindly fingers. I like people with cold hands too. I like people who'd eyes crinkle when they smile.
I like people who carry tons of stuff in their pockets. When I was at Christchurch Girls' High School, I had a blazer, which I wore all the time, just so I could put stuff in the pockets. I swear I had an entire pencil case in there, pens, paper, paperclips, scissors, string, you name it! I could put food in there as well. If I was stranded on a desert island, all I'd need was that blazer. My current uniform's pockets are way to small for putting much in apart from the essentials.

Other things I like...
Telephone voices. I love telephone voices. I have one. It's funny, I had a music teacher who called me on the phone once, and I picked up. She asked to speak to me even though I was talking...haha she said "you sound so posh on the telephone!"
Telephone voices are cool. You gotta be prepared for who's going to pick up!
It's fun to observe people's reading and thinking faces too. Some people have pedo faces when they read. Some people stare intently, at the pages of their novel, or at their computer screen, or into space, like me. Some people make faces. I laugh to myself, but that's about it. And sometimes I stick my tongue out or if I'm angry I might even pull the finger at the screen...weird habits.
Also people who carry a gazillion hair ties and bracelets on their wrists are cool. My hair ties are prone to snapping. It doesn't matter what type, what colour or any of that. I can guarantee they won't last 2 weeks. Thankfully, my sister is one of those people with a million hair ties on her wrist at all times.
People who can give full definitions on just about anything you happen to need to know.
People who have travelled the world enought to give you detailed recounts of each country's past, wars, and where the best place is to get a dinner reservation.
People who always have tissues on hand.
People who can hack stuff.
People who can relate completely unrelated stuff to each other.
People who kill time in an exam by sitiing there and twirling their pens.

I like people who can use posh adjectives in sophisticated ways.
Look people, a positive post!

Opinions can change in an instant. Sometimes so fast, that if we blink we miss the change, and when every thing else starts changing too, that's when we get lost.
I don't know what to do.
The events of the last week are startling, I feel as if I've been put into cold water rather than hot. Some things that I believed in last week have been taken away, some things that I wrote and argued for last week are what I'm arguing against this week.

I feel like a traitor, like everyone else who's turned their back on me. I wonder if they cared.

Human nature is a tricky subject.


Things always sound so much better in my head than out loud.
My logic makes sense in there, but once I put it on paper or let words ring through the air, it sounds like jibber jabber.
All of these ideas I've posted here were formulated from long conversations in my head, between me and some other random voices, which were probably me as well.

I make movies in my head of what I wish really happened in the day, I cut and paste, it's so easy when I'm in control of almost everything. And at least if I'm not in control of something, I trust it enough.

I'm worried, that I have said too much to someone I might not trust. I don't know who to trust, which is partially the problem, but I feel immensly confused about what happened and what I said, and how I reacted. If I cried tears of regret, I'd have drowned by now.

It's as if my reality has been turned upside down, inside out, then cut into a million other pieces and reassembled as a picaso painting. People are horrified at the way I've chosen to express myself, it's bright and colourful but the faces are sad and distorted in shape. It makes sense, it fits together, but only if you look at the big picture.

I'm just going to live in my head from now on.



I am destined to be a social reject for the rest of my life. Right now, I am considering taking out the piano midboard and crawling inside where the world will forget me forever (but then the piano would probably collapse because I'm so fat). I missed that period in school where the cliches were created, where the friends were made and the bonds formed. And so, as I said, I am deemed to be a reject. Hoorah!





Sometimes, even if everything seems to be getting better, even if everything seems to be improving, it's not. We might be dealing with it better, but no one knows if the pain is still there.

Most of the time, it still is.

With practice, we learn to hide, we learn where to hide, and how.
With practice, we learn to run away,
With practice.
We become The Masters.

I am probably, believe it or not, the most vulnerable person in my class. Sure, I'm weird, I'm unpredictable, but you'd NEVER know at school how unpredictable things get when I'm not there. I have this uncanny ability to completely change my demeanour depending on my surroundings.  A different place, different people means a different me. It's worse now. I can't even stay the same in different subjects. I often wonder what those people who are in multiple of my classes think. They must be confused. Or disgusted.

This lack of consistency is a philosophy of mine that seems to stick around. When it comes to homework, it's all or nothing. When it comes to food, it's all or nothing. When it comes to winning, it's all or nothing. Everything of mine works like that. I work on two extremes. If I can't be the best, then I can at least make myself the worse? It's stupid, I know.

It's my own way of convincing myself that failing isn't everything and winning isn't everything. Take away the positive and the negative by reversing it. My logic only works to me doesn't it?
"When you make something foolproof, you only find better fools"

I'm here to talk about two types of culture.

The first, is, the fact that I'm Asian, but I carry no cultural heritage.
I have been told I am a disgrace to Asians, which I laughed off, but my obsessive thinking certainly carried on for a while after that. My Mum is always telling me to behave like an Asian, and I have wonder, what the hell that is supposed to mean?! She forgets that by shifting the entire family to NZ, I have lost my cultural heritage. I'm sorry that I can't speak my mother tongue, but that's not really my fault is it? I HATE having to carry the stereotypical view, it's ridiculous that I am supposed to represent my country when I haven't even lived there for half my life. None of my siblings have any culture in them anyway. We only carry the image, slanty eyes, flat nose, whatever. But when we open our freakin' mouths you'd never expect anything like what comes out. It is entertaining in Asia, when you ask the receptionist for newspapers and their jaws hit the counter top in surprise.

It's also confusing. As much as I love Singapore and being able to tell people I come from such an exotic place, I don't carry the talent of Singlish (google it people), I'm no where near smart enough to live through their education system and I'd probably die of heat stroke if I lived there. If I were to go back to Singapore, I wouldn't fit in there anyway. I barely fit in here. I fit anywhere really, so how am I supposed to choose?
I've been in and out of schools and gym clubs and been through the hands of hundreds of teachers and coaches. I've passed through immigration and under the eyes of  many relatives I didn't even know existed. I've wandered the streets and walked upon stage scrutinized by hundreds more strangers.
And I don't understand, which group of people I fit into.
Where do I belong? Does the word itself offer any assistance?
BE LONG . Is it where you're longed for? Where you long to be?

We are heading off topic, so I better start on the next type of culture.

The second type of culture, is what I immerse myself in when I get depressed. Sad songs, sad books, anything tragic. I don't cry, but I slip into a near catatonic state. I just click, but instead of clicking into place, I slip out of place and start falling. I stop eating. My appetite goes hand in hand with my mood. I watch videos of violence and I scream silent screams in my sleep. Teetering off the sane continuum here, I have no idea what's wrong with me.

I have to maintain the depressed-ness, I have to at least try to stay the same for a while. It's funny, because it's easy for me to get into, but hard for me to climb out. That's why there's so much sad music on my ipod, hidden among the playlists. I should actually name it 'Depressing Songs'.

I am so weird.

I have given up my goodie good status, if I ever had one in the first place. It's no fun being smart, you're have pressure to know everything, and people just can't get over it if you happen to not know something. If I were good at everything, I'd be perfect. Perfect life, perfect family, no troubles at all. And as much as I wish I didn't have to worry so much about unnecessary trivia, it'd be boring to have nothing more to gain. I totally wouldn't be me without my funny panic attacks.

Sometimes I have to wonder, what happened to me? I used to have so much promise, so much potential. Keeping up the good 'ol asian reputation. I was the little girl who was all smiles and all talent. Seriously? That's ridiculous if you compare it to the old slub I have become now. My brain cells all died and crashed in the latest sugar overload attempt. I'm fat, I'm stupid, and no where near the over achiever I used to be known as. I suppose I never was an over achiever, the people around me just didn't try as hard, and so I got all the attention.

I still get lost in thought, too often haha. Apparently people like me think in a 'tree like structure' and that's why and how we get completely off track, because one thing just leads to another and so on. I have laughed to myself about 15 times so far today. This is insane. I don't even know why I'm laughing. I do all sorts of random stuff when I'm thinking, it's easy for me to become detached from this world, I probably find it easier to stay out of this world than in. People stare at me, but that's okay. It'd probably be even more queer if they didn't stare at the crazy person.

Yes, yes, stare all you want.
Be a human, be flawed.

(Has anyone noticed that I'm rhyming all my ending lines?! This is awesome!!! And this little sentence in brackets doesn't count!)

And therefore I deserve to keep my pants on.
I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!

[Please do not read the following paragraphs if you find swear words offensive.]

I hate this, I'm so lost. I have crossed the line and contradicted everything that was there before. Guilt has torn my stomach in half and all the hydrochloric acid has seeped out to dissolve all my other organs. I am so over consciously aware, of everything, every movement, everything. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, I've felt so much today. I swear I've been happy and depressed 7 freakin' different times. But WTF. I hate myself. My mouth is so fucking big, and I can't fucking control myself.

What frustrates me, is that I don't know what frustrates me, or that I don't know why something is causing the frustration. I just don't like not knowing. Even if sometimes I pretend I don't know, or pretend I can't remember. I'm so fucking stubborn. I don't listen. Today, nothing matters.
What I want, is to crawl into a little hole and die. So that I can just put everything behind me and forget about starting again. I have no adversion to death, I am scared of everything before hand. Death is not a process, death is not a choice. Life is everything it is not. I hate this.
Don't just say I'm making it up, because, unfortunately, I have the strength, and unfortunately the knowledge to do something irreversible. When the police come to your school and tell you about drugs, they are stupidly just educating you on how to do it. I don't care about the effects. I want the fucking results.

I'm disrespectful. You're right.
Thanks for telling me, again.
I'm pathetic. Everything about me is. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. It's my word.
Have I mentioned how much I hate myself?
I hate everything.

Hate is practically the only emotion I can muster, because to feel it means everything else is cancelled out. Hate is when I don't care, about anything, when pain is good, when mind becomes indifferent, when nothing else matters. It's madness. I am madness.

One day, I am going to do something drastically stupid. And someone will get hurt. I have not planned my life so I will change the lives of others and make a difference in the world. I have not planned my life so that I will get married and have children. I have planned my life to find myself, and since it seems I am never going to get there, I may as well fucking give it all up.
Tonight there will be no sleep. The last 4 hours will replay themselves in my head until I explode. The last 4 hours are going to be embedded into my mind to show how insane and mentally unstable I am. It scares me that I cannot remain the same person from dawn to dusk. I am so fucking inconsistent. I can't keep anything up. My mood is ridiculously unpredictable.

This is what happened last time. When I'm careless. I'm always careless. And I lost everything. Maybe that's good. If I lose everything, then I'll have nothing more to lose next time. Success.

Who does things like me?
I need to draw blood.
And don't you try stop me.
Just forget everything. Forget me. Ignore me. Tell me I suck, or that I'm pathetic, or that I'm not worth it. Forget it.
I never will.
I'll just cut myself up about everything that I did wrong, that I never should have said.
I'll just dream up a time machine.
I'll just recreate what I wish happened, in my head where time means nothing.

Isn't time supposed to heal?
It's not healing anything here. I can still remember.
Everything.
I lied.
Tell me I'm a bitch, slut, retard.
All of the above.
Tell me. Don't ask. Or you'll get a reply before I can shut my fucking mouth. Never assume. Never ask. It's never safe to do that. Too many times have my own words betrayed me to dance over and burn memories in other people's minds. I can't trust myself.

And I can't trust anyone else.
Trust no one Alethea.
Trust no one.
You know it's bad when I start referring to myself in third person. This is like when my mind kicks into overdrive. I am going to eat myself up in the next couple of days. This will not be pretty, warning you in advance. It will not be pretty.

"Blood will be splattered on the walls"
Now it's your turn to answer me,
who's blood do you think it'll be?

I'm not one for showing emotion. I don't cry. Not even if I'm injured, (I only swear haha and maybe get angry).  Crying is weak. And I look even more retarded when I've finished (if ever) than I did before. Like a panda, but with red rings. Gah.
I'm one of those people who just bottles everything up, shoves everything under the rug and then when one unfortunate day comes when the tears flow, they flow, my God, for everything that I have bottled up since the last breakdown, so when I'm hyperventilating and people ask what's wrong, I can't tell them.
A. It's because I'm hyperventilating
B. And there's too much to tell

I try my best to keep EVERYTHING away, but sometimes when it's too big, the time spent trying to shove the feeling into the deep vault of nothingness is spent instead on wondering why I failed so bad, wondering why, why, why, why and I just explode, or implode.

This cannot be a healthy lifestyle.

And why am I telling you this? Because I fear the time is coming where everything is about to die.
It's usually from something trivial, stupid, and on a day which everything has gone even more wrong than usual, and then I die. Hopefully, once I put this out there, it won't happen. Hopefully. But today, I have decided it is best you are prepared.

And DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO ME WHEN I DIE!!!
I DON'T WANT THE CUDDLES AND SYMPATHY!
Just letting you know.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't remember where I am when I open them again. That's how vividly I can visualise things...but I'm definately not using it to my advantage. Having a visual memory means that everything that happened in the day gets replayed in my head whether or not I like it. That's why when I mess up (which is often) it's so hard for me to get over it. It repeats over and over, for me to pick out my flaws and rip myself up over them. I also despise horror movies and such, because all the gory scenes stick in my head for MONTHS. I watched about 30 seconds worth of The Grudge and had to sleep with the light on for 6 weeks. Why? Because the picture was there waiting for me, all I have to do is press play, which happens to be automatic when I close my eyes.
I can conjure up almost any negative image, including those from descriptive novels, so those stick in my head for ages as well. I've tried, without success to visualise success, but it never works. Gym routine visualisation is just not for me, because I can only visualise myself doing it wrong and falling off in some awkward position. Not good.

Apparently when I was younger, I had a photographic memory, but how my parents figured that one out I will never understand. I certainly don't have that anymore (if I ever had it at all) but they say memory is like a muscle, so I'm probably just stiff from not using it enough, the right way.

All the visualising also means that if I think too much, I can completely lose myself in another world, even if my eyes are open, which is a little disturbing. Most people get pissed off because I won't respond at all when they're talking to me. It's weird. But I'm weird to so that probably explains it.
Flashbacks, visualisations & visions,
Hallucinations?
They all come so easily to me, sometimes I forget what's real and what's fantasy.
Who needs drugs? I'm already delusional.

I'm too scared of what other people think of me. But here I am, a hypocrite because I judge and mock other people harshly myself, so I guess in that sense I'm scared that what comes around goes around.
All humans judge, right? It's an instinct. Whether that guy over there looks like he's worthy of carrying a knife and running towards you at full sped and plunging it into your chest (okay, maybe that was too vivid a description, but understand that I have been having nightmares...THIS IS WHY I DON'T READ FICTION BOOKS OLIVIA!) We have to judge whether that person over there would make a suitable partner (although I wouldn't know anything about that), we have to judge the situation to figure out how to react. So everyone judges, and I suppose judging is okay in that sense, but it's how you look at it, keeping an open mind and such.

I'm so scared of other people's opinions I have to calm myself by trying to predict what the other person is going to say/think and it doesn't help when I don't know what's going to happen, 'cos then I just end up hyperventilating. That is probably another reason why I have such low self worth (wait, actually change that to NON EXISTENT self confidence...hey that rhymes!)

It just so happens that the ultimate thing that happens when we die, is judgement, by God the great one apparently. So is that what our lives are supposed to lead to? The ultimate judging? (Again, from the fiction book I was reading).

Obviously, my reading habits are not encouraging my sickness ravaged mind to think coherently, so I think I'll stop there. I have too much to say, and I can't organise it properly, so I'll try again tomorrow.
Stay tuned!

★ tagboard ★

i think they call it freedom of speech

★ links ★

ctrl + left click

★ archives ★

watch me waste my life away

★ credits ★

★ SHOUTOUTS ★

even if I don't say ♥ that often