Halfway

c r a Z Y

"You're crazy!"
"I know!"

★ Culture. ★

Friday, August 5, 2011 ( 8:40 PM )

I'm here to talk about two types of culture.

The first, is, the fact that I'm Asian, but I carry no cultural heritage.
I have been told I am a disgrace to Asians, which I laughed off, but my obsessive thinking certainly carried on for a while after that. My Mum is always telling me to behave like an Asian, and I have wonder, what the hell that is supposed to mean?! She forgets that by shifting the entire family to NZ, I have lost my cultural heritage. I'm sorry that I can't speak my mother tongue, but that's not really my fault is it? I HATE having to carry the stereotypical view, it's ridiculous that I am supposed to represent my country when I haven't even lived there for half my life. None of my siblings have any culture in them anyway. We only carry the image, slanty eyes, flat nose, whatever. But when we open our freakin' mouths you'd never expect anything like what comes out. It is entertaining in Asia, when you ask the receptionist for newspapers and their jaws hit the counter top in surprise.

It's also confusing. As much as I love Singapore and being able to tell people I come from such an exotic place, I don't carry the talent of Singlish (google it people), I'm no where near smart enough to live through their education system and I'd probably die of heat stroke if I lived there. If I were to go back to Singapore, I wouldn't fit in there anyway. I barely fit in here. I fit anywhere really, so how am I supposed to choose?
I've been in and out of schools and gym clubs and been through the hands of hundreds of teachers and coaches. I've passed through immigration and under the eyes of many relatives I didn't even know existed. I've wandered the streets and walked upon stage scrutinized by hundreds more strangers.
And I don't understand, which group of people I fit into.
Where do I belong? Does the word itself offer any assistance?
BE LONG . Is it where you're longed for? Where you long to be?

We are heading off topic, so I better start on the next type of culture.

The second type of culture, is what I immerse myself in when I get depressed. Sad songs, sad books, anything tragic. I don't cry, but I slip into a near catatonic state. I just click, but instead of clicking into place, I slip out of place and start falling. I stop eating. My appetite goes hand in hand with my mood. I watch videos of violence and I scream silent screams in my sleep. Teetering off the sane continuum here, I have no idea what's wrong with me.

I have to maintain the depressed-ness, I have to at least try to stay the same for a while. It's funny, because it's easy for me to get into, but hard for me to climb out. That's why there's so much sad music on my ipod, hidden among the playlists. I should actually name it 'Depressing Songs'.

I am so weird.