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Ever wondered what goes on in her mind?
My name is Alethea.
I am 14 years old
I have this delusional thing that my name is the best name in the world, but that's just my subconciousness trying to grasp some part of myself that is not self loathing.
I have almost non existent self esteem. Even though I play 3 instruments (well, lets just leave it at 3) and I am supposedly I am a gymnast (I think I am too fail to be under that title), I'm under the impression I am bad at everything. (Which I am!)
I have a very obsessive nature. I am also quite unpredictable and unreliable and I'm scared of being social.
On of my special talents is yodelling.
That's how weird I am of course.
I like talking using words with more that 3 syllables to make it sound as if I am speaking a language other than English, even though that's the only language I speak. I'm a disgrace to Asians apparently because I cannot speak the language in which my complexion screams out otherwise.
I am obsessed with big words and psychological disorders and paradoxes of all kinds.
I have survived through a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and numerous aftershocks, and been to 7 different schools in my life. (And 5 gym clubs and I don't even want to start counting the teachers.)
I fear I am a pessimist.
Sometimes I am a grammar freak too.
This blog is to help other understand what goes on in my head.
Good luck with that!
★ profile★
ramblings of a teenage girl
My name is Alethea.
I am 14 years old
I have this delusional thing that my name is the best name in the world, but that's just my subconciousness trying to grasp some part of myself that is not self loathing.
I have almost non existent self esteem. Even though I play 3 instruments (well, lets just leave it at 3) and I am supposedly I am a gymnast (I think I am too fail to be under that title), I'm under the impression I am bad at everything. (Which I am!)
I have a very obsessive nature. I am also quite unpredictable and unreliable and I'm scared of being social.
On of my special talents is yodelling.
That's how weird I am of course.
I like talking using words with more that 3 syllables to make it sound as if I am speaking a language other than English, even though that's the only language I speak. I'm a disgrace to Asians apparently because I cannot speak the language in which my complexion screams out otherwise.
I am obsessed with big words and psychological disorders and paradoxes of all kinds.
I have survived through a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and numerous aftershocks, and been to 7 different schools in my life. (And 5 gym clubs and I don't even want to start counting the teachers.)
I fear I am a pessimist.
Sometimes I am a grammar freak too.
This blog is to help other understand what goes on in my head.
Good luck with that!
"You're crazy!"
"I know!"
And therefore I deserve to keep my pants on.
I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!
[Please do not read the following paragraphs if you find swear words offensive.]
I hate this, I'm so lost. I have crossed the line and contradicted everything that was there before. Guilt has torn my stomach in half and all the hydrochloric acid has seeped out to dissolve all my other organs. I am so over consciously aware, of everything, every movement, everything. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, I've felt so much today. I swear I've been happy and depressed 7 freakin' different times. But WTF. I hate myself. My mouth is so fucking big, and I can't fucking control myself.
What frustrates me, is that I don't know what frustrates me, or that I don't know why something is causing the frustration. I just don't like not knowing. Even if sometimes I pretend I don't know, or pretend I can't remember. I'm so fucking stubborn. I don't listen. Today, nothing matters.
What I want, is to crawl into a little hole and die. So that I can just put everything behind me and forget about starting again. I have no adversion to death, I am scared of everything before hand. Death is not a process, death is not a choice. Life is everything it is not. I hate this.
Don't just say I'm making it up, because, unfortunately, I have the strength, and unfortunately the knowledge to do something irreversible. When the police come to your school and tell you about drugs, they are stupidly just educating you on how to do it. I don't care about the effects. I want the fucking results.
I'm disrespectful. You're right.
Thanks for telling me, again.
I'm pathetic. Everything about me is. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. It's my word.
Have I mentioned how much I hate myself?
I hate everything.
Hate is practically the only emotion I can muster, because to feel it means everything else is cancelled out. Hate is when I don't care, about anything, when pain is good, when mind becomes indifferent, when nothing else matters. It's madness. I am madness.
One day, I am going to do something drastically stupid. And someone will get hurt. I have not planned my life so I will change the lives of others and make a difference in the world. I have not planned my life so that I will get married and have children. I have planned my life to find myself, and since it seems I am never going to get there, I may as well fucking give it all up.
Tonight there will be no sleep. The last 4 hours will replay themselves in my head until I explode. The last 4 hours are going to be embedded into my mind to show how insane and mentally unstable I am. It scares me that I cannot remain the same person from dawn to dusk. I am so fucking inconsistent. I can't keep anything up. My mood is ridiculously unpredictable.
This is what happened last time. When I'm careless. I'm always careless. And I lost everything. Maybe that's good. If I lose everything, then I'll have nothing more to lose next time. Success.
Who does things like me?
I need to draw blood.
And don't you try stop me.
Just forget everything. Forget me. Ignore me. Tell me I suck, or that I'm pathetic, or that I'm not worth it. Forget it.
I never will.
I'll just cut myself up about everything that I did wrong, that I never should have said.
I'll just dream up a time machine.
I'll just recreate what I wish happened, in my head where time means nothing.
Isn't time supposed to heal?
It's not healing anything here. I can still remember.
Everything.
I lied.
Tell me I'm a bitch, slut, retard.
All of the above.
Tell me. Don't ask. Or you'll get a reply before I can shut my fucking mouth. Never assume. Never ask. It's never safe to do that. Too many times have my own words betrayed me to dance over and burn memories in other people's minds. I can't trust myself.
And I can't trust anyone else.
Trust no one Alethea.
Trust no one.
You know it's bad when I start referring to myself in third person. This is like when my mind kicks into overdrive. I am going to eat myself up in the next couple of days. This will not be pretty, warning you in advance. It will not be pretty.
"Blood will be splattered on the walls"
Now it's your turn to answer me,
who's blood do you think it'll be?
"I know!"
★ I AM NOT LADY GAGA! ★
Wednesday, August 3, 2011 ( 8:32 PM )
And therefore I deserve to keep my pants on.
I HATE BEING A GIRL!!!
[Please do not read the following paragraphs if you find swear words offensive.]
I hate this, I'm so lost. I have crossed the line and contradicted everything that was there before. Guilt has torn my stomach in half and all the hydrochloric acid has seeped out to dissolve all my other organs. I am so over consciously aware, of everything, every movement, everything. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling, I've felt so much today. I swear I've been happy and depressed 7 freakin' different times. But WTF. I hate myself. My mouth is so fucking big, and I can't fucking control myself.
What frustrates me, is that I don't know what frustrates me, or that I don't know why something is causing the frustration. I just don't like not knowing. Even if sometimes I pretend I don't know, or pretend I can't remember. I'm so fucking stubborn. I don't listen. Today, nothing matters.
What I want, is to crawl into a little hole and die. So that I can just put everything behind me and forget about starting again. I have no adversion to death, I am scared of everything before hand. Death is not a process, death is not a choice. Life is everything it is not. I hate this.
Don't just say I'm making it up, because, unfortunately, I have the strength, and unfortunately the knowledge to do something irreversible. When the police come to your school and tell you about drugs, they are stupidly just educating you on how to do it. I don't care about the effects. I want the fucking results.
I'm disrespectful. You're right.
Thanks for telling me, again.
I'm pathetic. Everything about me is. Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. It's my word.
Have I mentioned how much I hate myself?
I hate everything.
Hate is practically the only emotion I can muster, because to feel it means everything else is cancelled out. Hate is when I don't care, about anything, when pain is good, when mind becomes indifferent, when nothing else matters. It's madness. I am madness.
One day, I am going to do something drastically stupid. And someone will get hurt. I have not planned my life so I will change the lives of others and make a difference in the world. I have not planned my life so that I will get married and have children. I have planned my life to find myself, and since it seems I am never going to get there, I may as well fucking give it all up.
Tonight there will be no sleep. The last 4 hours will replay themselves in my head until I explode. The last 4 hours are going to be embedded into my mind to show how insane and mentally unstable I am. It scares me that I cannot remain the same person from dawn to dusk. I am so fucking inconsistent. I can't keep anything up. My mood is ridiculously unpredictable.
This is what happened last time. When I'm careless. I'm always careless. And I lost everything. Maybe that's good. If I lose everything, then I'll have nothing more to lose next time. Success.
Who does things like me?
I need to draw blood.
And don't you try stop me.
Just forget everything. Forget me. Ignore me. Tell me I suck, or that I'm pathetic, or that I'm not worth it. Forget it.
I never will.
I'll just cut myself up about everything that I did wrong, that I never should have said.
I'll just dream up a time machine.
I'll just recreate what I wish happened, in my head where time means nothing.
Isn't time supposed to heal?
It's not healing anything here. I can still remember.
Everything.
I lied.
Tell me I'm a bitch, slut, retard.
All of the above.
Tell me. Don't ask. Or you'll get a reply before I can shut my fucking mouth. Never assume. Never ask. It's never safe to do that. Too many times have my own words betrayed me to dance over and burn memories in other people's minds. I can't trust myself.
And I can't trust anyone else.
Trust no one Alethea.
Trust no one.
You know it's bad when I start referring to myself in third person. This is like when my mind kicks into overdrive. I am going to eat myself up in the next couple of days. This will not be pretty, warning you in advance. It will not be pretty.
"Blood will be splattered on the walls"
Now it's your turn to answer me,
who's blood do you think it'll be?
We all have times where we say stuff we didn't really mean
I just have more of these times than the average person!
I just have more of these times than the average person!
★ tagboard ★
i think they call it freedom of speech
If I dwelled on the fact weirdness was a bad thing
I'd probably be dead by now.
Eeiyn Natasha's Fantabulous Blog
My Miniscule Book Blog
Nicole's Spectacular Blog
Maxine's Magnificent Blog
Sapphire's Snaffalicious Blog
Sarah's So Awesome Blog
December 2010
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
March 2012
designer DancingSheep
I'd probably be dead by now.
★ links ★
ctrl + left click
Eeiyn Natasha's Fantabulous Blog
My Miniscule Book Blog
Nicole's Spectacular Blog
Maxine's Magnificent Blog
Sapphire's Snaffalicious Blog
Sarah's So Awesome Blog
★ archives ★
watch me waste my life away
December 2010
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
March 2012
★ credits ★
designer DancingSheep
My life's goal
Is to be spontaneous because that's the way I roll
★ SAPPHIRE! ★
★ KENDALL! ★
★ MAXINE! ★
★ DANIELLE! ★
★ CHARLOTTE! ★
★ CAITLIN! ★
★ LAUREN! ★
★ ERIN! ★
★ EEIYN! ★
★ NICOLE! ★
Is to be spontaneous because that's the way I roll
★ SHOUTOUTS ★
even if I don't say ♥ that often
★ SAPPHIRE! ★
★ KENDALL! ★
★ MAXINE! ★
★ DANIELLE! ★
★ CHARLOTTE! ★
★ CAITLIN! ★
★ LAUREN! ★
★ ERIN! ★
★ EEIYN! ★
★ NICOLE! ★