I'd like to think I'm not trying. Other people's laughter scares me. Especially at school. I can't stand it when people stand around and laugh, or laugh when you walk past, or the giggles and hugs and whispering and gossip and shit.

It's not because of gym or anything, I'd probably be worse off without gym because then I'd be exposed to people less. I'd be cooped up practicing piano or something antisocial. Antisocialness.
I think I like it this way better. I am an observer. Watching and then overthinking. Watching stupid people make stupid mistakes. Watching other people's faces when I make a stupid mistake. And then after that I'll go dig a hole and bury myself.

I guess it doesn't help that I'm not exactly allowed to go to people's birthday party's or to people's houses other than homework reasons (thank you NCEA for being a valid excuse). It also doesn't help that I'm not allowed Facebook, that technically I'm not even allowed this blog , I'm not allowed to go to discos and sleepovers and slumber parties of such. But at the same time, since I've been prohibited from a young age, I have convinced myself that they are unnecessary and that I'd hate it if I went for any of the above anyway.

I wonder how much I would have changed if I'd been influenced by my peers more. Probably for the worse I guess. I don't wear dresses, or skirts with the exception of school uniform. People around me probably own like a bazillion of the above but I despise even having pink items living in my room. Ew. I don't like frilly or lace or bikinis and dancing. No make-up, hair straightening or nail painting makes its way into my routine.

I think I generally hate having to be 'feminine'. People always ask why I dress like a guy. I don't dress like a guy! I don't really care about what I wear anyway, as long as it's not too revealing. I don't own any clothes from Glassons or Jay Jays! Beat that people. I don't like guys. I also don't like girls. I don't like people in general maybe. Haha. I also have a strong dislike for school. It's so...school like. (Don't you just love my fantastic adjectives?) School, especially lunchtimes, involves me and my feeble attempts at socialising. I should just try make people hate me so I don't have to bother.
Sure, it's lonely, but I have my conscious, the voices in my head and my iPod. That's all I need.

I am a weird child.