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★ What's good about 1563? I'm over this. ★

Tuesday, August 30, 2011 ( 8:58 PM )

It's my new competition number. I know it doesn't really matter what number it is (yea, it's just a number) but I have taken an instant dislike. It's stupid, and trivial but it's getting the better of me. I can't find anything to like about it. 19 is my favourite number, and my last number was 3192, and the number I picked before was 1509 so they were okay, but I can't make 19 out of 1563.
I'm trying all sorts of retarded things.
Adding up the digits.
1+5+6+3=15
Adding up random combinations of the digits.
156/3=52
Adding up the differences of the digits.
5-1=4
6-5=1
6-3=3
4+1+3=8
Using the differences of the digits.
(4+1)x3=15
Mixing and matching operations.
(-1+5)x6-3=4x6-3=21
(1+5+6)/3=12/3=4
etc.

The annoying thing is that 19 is a prime number, so the only way I can get there is if I add things/minus things together after multiplying/dividing them.
But, I could mix up the numbers a little, so they don't have to be in thr order 1563, they could become 1635, cos I could make that into 195 ([1]6+3[5]) but then I suppose I could do that with 1563 because then it'd become 159...

I'm dwelling on all the little things so I can avoid the big picture. Like how I might not qualify to nationals this year. And it just makes me think of all the times when I missed out before. Because I was too crap to go. I've competed for 7 freakin' years and I've only been once. I'm such a failure.
Not to mention it was probably one of the worse situations I put myself in.
And so many things went wrong, like always.

I am frustrated, at myself.
It's the fact that every thinks I should be good. Yea, to the average person, I can go upside down without seeing stars. But in truth, in black and white, I suck.
And you can loose all respect for me, because I have no talent, I'm not good at music, I'm not good at gym, I'm not smart, I'm just nothing.

Yet I'm not doing anything about it.
Because I'm nothing. I should have listened more back then when my coaches and the people around me told me everyday. Why am I trying? What am I living for?
There is a time, after you've been told you're not worth it so many times over, that you decide to believe it's true. And when that happens, then you are not worth it. You are nothing. You cease to believe you are anything more than people think. You ceast to exist. You are nothing.
I am nothing.
After a while, after people start giving up on you, you give up on yourself.

I'm not depressed, I'm just confused and frustrated and regressing in everything. Unravelling. Yea, I'm losing it.
Why does everything have to be so hard?
Why does life have to run the lines in the opposite direction of my own?
I have too much to say, it's running all over my head.
And not to mention my head hurts when I swallow. It's odd.
Oh I'm over this.

Please help me.