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"You're crazy!"
"I know!"

★ Day Four (Friends) + Disruption + Self-Centredness ★

Wednesday, September 28, 2011 ( 9:29 AM )

It is ironic that somehow, English has resumed it's reign as my favourite subject. It's the subject where we are ENCOURAGED to talk about our opinions, rather than being told to shut up. I need to write a couple of book reviews, which would probably be a good thing since I read far to much for my own good, but I'm supposed to make a book blog...and I don't like using my google site...I find it much too difficult to log onto my school email da dee da dee da and then organise the posts and what not, so either I create a new blog, or I make a new page here, which will be interesting.
I'll find a way.

4.Talk about your closest friends.
I don't like getting too close to people. Thus I use the term 'friends' sparingly...hmmm...I think I have spawned many love hate relationships. Many, many love hate relationships. I don't have any 'close friends', either because I am too scared to accept that a relationship has merged into a 'close friendship' or because I go back on my word, or because I'm too unpredictable. I think it is because I am just too weird to be able to relate to others in more that 2 or 3 ways. It is terrible. And then there's the whole trust factor, I'm not good at trusting other, and people shouldn't be good about trusting me...I like to work on my own, because then I don't have to rely on others to do the job for me. I get frustrated when the standard of their work is not up to my own, or when my own standard of work is below my on expectations, and then I blame it on myself anyway. I hate group/team work. I am not good at cooperating with other people's will. I should stop burning all the freaking bridges. This is why I wish to embark on a life of solitary confinement hahaha.
I would much rather to be alone my whole life than be traumatised by the making of terrible choices and bad relationships, anymore than I already have. Or at least I could hate everyone. That would be a good start to living life alone.

I pissed the maths teacher off badly today. Sorry Mrs. Sood, I didn't mean to be so 'disruptive'.
Gee, I guess you don't know me at all. I'm naturally disruptive. It would be my middle name, if I had one. Perhaps my lack of ability to relate to others comes in here, because I am ever so inconsiderate. I think All teachers are pissed off by my presence.
Even I'm sometimes pissed off by my own presence/actions/trivial matters.

Goodie goods have no fun, but then again, to be smart don't you need to be perfect? You need to care, you need to be compassionate and modest and aware of your own abilities. I have none of these qualities. It had been said to me that because I see thing so different from other people, I cannot relate to them at all. Where I have areas of expertise, the information is cluttered, barely organised, yet I manage to somehow come up with a good result, but while all my brain cells are fixing these problems in that areas, other area of my brain are neglected.

I am sorry that I cannot be perfect. Don't tell me I have 'potential'. What a disgusting word. Full of 'If's and 'Maybe's. All these perfect people exist in the world and yet I am here polluting it. How unfortunate. I hate the social hierarchy. I wish not to be part of it at all and instead drift in and out of the pyramid of evil. But then maybe I don't exist at all. I need my own pyramid of awesome. Where it is just me.

I'm just proving how self centred I am now.

What am I good at? Being nothing? Being stupid? Being 'disruptive'?
I know at times it may seem that I don't give a damn, but trust me, I care. It is because of ht absence of this 'emotion' showing that everything falls over in the end.
I just don't have that 'balance' you know? I convince myself that nothing matters in order to live with my failed expectations, yet I care so much for everything I do. It's almost like I pretend I don't care so much that I do care.

Oh dear. I am becoming incoherent now.
Better stop the bull shitting now Alethea.