Halfway

c r a Z Y

"You're crazy!"
"I know!"

★ Paranoia ★

Thursday, October 13, 2011 ( 1:30 PM )

Paranoia is queer. It can drive you to great heights, and it can drive you towards the ground at invincible speeds. And yet the entire concept of paranoia, is set on the plane of make believe. It's not real. It's an illusion. A strange, blown up version of reality that really isn't reality at all.

Paranoia begins to take it's grip when you realise things aren't as they seem. Misjudgement and mistakes fuel the hidden obsession. You don't want it to happen again. I don't want it to happen again. We'll do everything we can to avoid the circumstances that lead us to where we are now, so much so that we start avoiding everything. We avoid things that look, see, smell, taste, anything that could lead us into another forbidden abyss. Another mistake. Gradually, this becomes a matter of secondary connections, one thing leading to another. Suddenly everything is relatable to everything. Thus we start avoiding everything. We avoid things that aren't even there.
People. Colours. Monsters. Shadows

And once you can't tell what's real, it's harder to make decisions.
Cling on to things that aren't there, run away from things which you could have held onto.
Perhaps this is an the explanatory behind the obsessions.
Or are they really just distractions?

I feel like I'm being increasingly bitchy around people. You probably don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like the way I retaliate or walk away, I seem to be incompatible with people. It's definitely not the time of the month, or else I'd be irritated at you every month huh?
My mind is twisting things around. I feel like I'm being ignored, but I like it. I like not being given a crap about actually, I like being the girl who sits in the back and hides behind her hair. But it's guilt that catches up with me, why are my parents paying so much moolah for me to waste my time away at gym? To be ignored? Could I have done better in those tests? Why is it so that this result has come about? And so I am not the girl who sits at the back, I am the girl who sits in the front with her hand permanently extended into the air. It's disgusting. I should not be so enthusiastic for a girl who really doesn't care about things like that.

I am paranoid about some things. About impressions. I am always paranoid about impressions, what people think, so I try and come across as not really caring, even though I do care, too much so, and I am contradicting myself from the last paragraph. =.=
I am paranoid about tests and feat of judgement. I genuinely believe I am going to fail every test, that is a genuine reaction you see in maths before my paper comes back. You call it a 'bad attitude' I call it paranoia (unless paranoia is my attitude of course, now that would be interesting).

Enough. I have said what I need to say today.
My Attitude > Paranoia