Halfway

c r a Z Y

"You're crazy!"
"I know!"

★ The Patriot ★

Thursday, October 27, 2011 ( 9:22 PM )

"I trust you because you're around all the time"
Damnit, I'm never going to be trusted. I'm never around long enough to truely be patriotic to some form of club, school, city, country. I'm never around long enough to get to know people, people aren't around me long enough to get to know me.
It's a vicious cycle.

I got a job! Not paid yet, just experience for now. But a dark cloud of politics seems to be hanging over the subject. I hate reputations as much as I despise politics.

It's been a long and painful day. One of those days where I feel like I'm being ignored. But what the heck, I am being ignored. I speak, apparently not loud enough? Do my opinions not count? When do I speak too much? When too little? Constantly. I feel unwanted, I feel awful. I feel pissed off at everyone for no apparent reason. It's not 'til I get home I realise, 'Hey! I did a social studies test today, I ATTENDED MATHS TUITION(!), I did full twists and giants and hiccups and vault', but I feel utterly terrible. It's actually been a good day. It was a sunshiny good day.
Yet everything's still painted a shade of grey.

This is NOT depression. Depression is black and red and blood and bed. This is not depression.

Why am I rhyming so much?

I don't know how to tell people that I feel unwanted, I feel completely insignificant, perhaps I am? In some ways I feel betrayed, I feel repulsed by my own self, based on the way others treat me, some part of MYSELF is turning on ME. Something is conflicting and twisting and screaming betrayal and screaming my name.

But everything is going so well, I am confused as to why I feel unhappy. Why? What is there to worry about? Is there something my subconciousness know that my concious mind is not aware of? Is it paranoia? I want to capture this dark twisted and grosteque object and lock it up where I don't have to worry about it again. But how can you catch something when you don't know what you're looking for?

I'm grateful, to havea penpal. I don;t even know her. But that makes it so much easier.
I just want to talk to someone who will listen.
And I'm tired of having to speak what you want to hear.
You should listen to what I have to say.

Please.
Listen.